Traumatic events are any sudden, unexpected situation we encounter that makes us feel unstable, hopeless, powerless and hurt.
It could be anything from a devastating flood, hurtful abuse, terminal illness, death of a loved one, end of a relationship, a business failure or getting scolded unexpectedly by someone you trust.
One person's trauma may not be percieved as trauma by another person since the perception of any event to be trauma in itself depends on the degree of mental development and past experiences.
Trauma isn't necessarily physically, mentally or emotionally hurtful as much as it feels shameful.
The one thing common to all victims of a traumatic event is that they felt uncomfortable and ashamed of themselves during the event and as a result they become hypervigilant after the event to protect themselves from future attacks.
A common hurdle many trauma survivors face is in creating an identity for themselves outside of the trauma.
Since they identify themselves with the event and internalise the event, they feel incomplete if the event or similar events do not occur again in their lives and hence they unconsciously seek out the elements that make up the event and successfully recreate it, causing a never ending toxic cycle of increasing pain.
Personally for me, as a child, I felt shocked when my parents suddenly urged me to study while I was having a sweet time watching TV (which my parents were doing out of worry for my future at school), I remember feeling ashamed that I was not up to their expectations and I strived to gain their approval by studying.
Although I did gain their approval, I had built a part of my identity around this shocking event and its elements (recieving scolding causing a feeling of shame) and throughout my childhood I would unconsciously feel that my day would be incomplete if I did not receive a scolding from my parent.
This has taken such a strong root in my subconscious that, to this day, even in my adulthood, I begin to feel suspicious, anxious and hypervigilant if I haven't received a scolding from my now old and weary parents and I unconsciously repeat the trigger actions that would make them scold me atleast once and only then I feel complete and okay.
Every single one of us have experienced trauma at varying degrees.
The sad thing is, we tend to choose to build our identity around trauma and we forget entirely that it is a mere event in our lifetime and not the deciding factor of our character.
There is lots of life and opportunities beyond traumatic events and we choose to ignore that, mostly out of our fear of the unknown.
"If I am not the victimised person and the trauma no longer exists
But if I don't know who I am beyond the event,
Then who am I?"
As Thin Nhat Hanh beautifully puts it:
We would rather face the pain of the known than the pain of the unknown.
So, how do we transcend trauma?
For me, the first step would be to reach out and ask for help. Know that you are not alone. If anything, in this article I've shared one of my own experiences and through this I'm telling you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Breathe.
We all have gone through some form of trauma, some greater than others. We are in this together.
Next would logically be to process the trauma and "get it out of your system" but diving into that immediately would be unhealthy.
Why? Because when you go back to that event and feel the terrible pain and sense of no control all over again, you don't have a stable foundation in yourself to hold on to.
So, once you reach out for help or atleast once you know you're not alone in this, try recalling who you were as a child, before this event.
You could view the childhood photo albums, play the videos taken at that age or ask your trusted family members about your childhood.
Why? Because your "inner child" or "true self" would have been at its peak when you were a child. The toys you owned, the kind of hobbies you had, the type of TV shows you loved, the many games you played, the genre of music you love etc, all were a reflection of your true self.
After getting a clear idea of who you were back then, relive those memories again and again.
Get the same toys or buy a similar type of toy and play the same games. Wear your hair and dress yourself just the way you like it. Watch the same cartoons and movies (Thank God for YouTube). Try out the same hobbies. Do the stuff that brings you excitement. (And do all this preferably in the privacy of your room)
If you happen to be a very busy person, load those photos of your childhood, download the cartoons and shows, follow the people who practice the hobby you had then and set aside a specific time in your daily routine (after you wake up, before you go to sleep, anything specific) to show yourself these memories on your device and try to imagine yourself doing it again.
It doesn't matter if you get bored too soon (although I don't think that will be the case).
All that matters is that you are reliving, reigniting your childhood and in the process, attempting to identify yourself with your childhood and regain the person you lost. You will be building a strong foundation to hold on to.
For those of us who have panic attacks and other extreme consequences of trauma, try to integrate these childhood memories with whatever form of therapy you choose.
If you go to a therapist or a counselor who you feel comfortable with, ask them to add this in your sessions.
If you have a chat with a trusted friend, spend some time talking about this.
If you meditate and journal as therapy, meditate on your childhood memories and write about how it felt then.
Reliving childhood memories gives us a reassurance that we are not the person trauma told us we were and also shows us the light at the end of the tunnel.
And thirdly, when you have a relatively stable system to fall back into, try to process the traumatic event and release the suppressed emotions.
During trauma, we tend to dissociate, which means that we tend to zone out from the situation, become numb and turn to our primal fight or flight instincts.
Our logical and rational parts of brain shut down and this is usually why we have no clear awareness of the sequence of actions occurring during the trauma; we only properly recall what happened before and after the event and not the event itself.
We do, however, vividly recall how we felt during the event, which is why we tend to have flashbacks of the traumatic event, because to us, it is the present and not the past, since we cannot place it in a specific time stamp in our past.
Now, when you do process the event and release the emotions, remember that its okay to cry and whatever had happened to you or what you did to defend yourself does not make you a shameful or bad person.
Process it slowly and steadily.
Repeat it till you feel neutral.
Repeat it till you feel like yourself again and can look at the episode as an event or a memory without emotions.
Know that this is going to take time, sometimes years and thats okay. Do what you need to do to break free from the toxic cycle and start a brand new, fulfilling cycle.
This is your timeline. Your life. It is unique and it is entirely yours.
There is hope beyond the pain,
light beyond the darkness,
happiness beyond the sadness,
strength beyond the vulnerability,
stability beyond the insecurity,
healing beyond the hurting
and a beautiful life beyond the trauma.
If this trauma is a recurring event, take action to protect yourself.
Its okay to feel afraid and its better to look the fear in the eye and gather courage to take suitable action.
The most empowering step you can take would be to share your story.
Remember: You are not alone.
I dedicate this article to all my loved ones♥️ who supported me throughout my journey of overcoming and transcending heavy traumatic events in my life.
Click here to see my inspiration for this article