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| ...Heal... |
Assuming that the respectable reader of this blog has read the first part of this series, I move on to the second part and narrate my experience with healing my shadow self.
I felt drawn to the concept of mindfulness, having heard of it being a miraculous cure for stress and anxiety. I attempted to discipline myself by being mindful and I tried to maintain an online journal in my phone, of my every thought and impulse arising daily, no matter how far fetched or childish it seemed.
After a few days of diligent and sincere journalling, I decided to analyse my diary entries out of curiosity.
A preview of my dark side was revealed to me.
At first, I made the mistake of living in denial.
I was shocked beyond comprehension to think that I could have such dark thoughts in my mind and I chose the option of comfortably brushing the dust under the rug, so to speak, and attempted to 'unsee' what I had seen about my shadow self.
I would go as far to say that I internally felt absolutely ashamed to even look at my shadow self and I added salt to its exposed wounds and made the situation worse.
My shadow self seemed to come to me seeking vengeance and my newfound mindfulness would not allow me to ignore those dark demons, as much as I tried and wished to.
When I could no longer live in denial, I tried to make peace with my demons and sat with them with the intention of banishing them forever from my mind (my next mistake).
I was quite narrow minded and foolish to think that I could eradicate those demons and live with a pure mind.
Just as I had come to a place of egoistic complacency that my demons had forever been banished, I was snapped out of my dreams by the return of the energetic entities (version 2.0😜)
Feeling utterly frustrated to start from ground zero, I looked up videos and self help websites (links at the bottom) and came to understand the seriousness of the situation.
I felt guilty for trying to hurt those energy entities, which were just an estranged part of me! I had, in fact, hurt myself.
And so, I began my journey of reconciliation, forgiveness, acceptance and healing of my shadow self as much as I could.
The healing therapy that worked and works for me has the following steps:
1. Be Aware: When I feel any negative emotions, I try to be aware of the fact that I am feeling such an emotion.
I felt drawn to the concept of mindfulness, having heard of it being a miraculous cure for stress and anxiety. I attempted to discipline myself by being mindful and I tried to maintain an online journal in my phone, of my every thought and impulse arising daily, no matter how far fetched or childish it seemed.
After a few days of diligent and sincere journalling, I decided to analyse my diary entries out of curiosity.
A preview of my dark side was revealed to me.
At first, I made the mistake of living in denial.
I was shocked beyond comprehension to think that I could have such dark thoughts in my mind and I chose the option of comfortably brushing the dust under the rug, so to speak, and attempted to 'unsee' what I had seen about my shadow self.
I would go as far to say that I internally felt absolutely ashamed to even look at my shadow self and I added salt to its exposed wounds and made the situation worse.
My shadow self seemed to come to me seeking vengeance and my newfound mindfulness would not allow me to ignore those dark demons, as much as I tried and wished to.
When I could no longer live in denial, I tried to make peace with my demons and sat with them with the intention of banishing them forever from my mind (my next mistake).
I was quite narrow minded and foolish to think that I could eradicate those demons and live with a pure mind.
Just as I had come to a place of egoistic complacency that my demons had forever been banished, I was snapped out of my dreams by the return of the energetic entities (version 2.0😜)
Feeling utterly frustrated to start from ground zero, I looked up videos and self help websites (links at the bottom) and came to understand the seriousness of the situation.
I felt guilty for trying to hurt those energy entities, which were just an estranged part of me! I had, in fact, hurt myself.
And so, I began my journey of reconciliation, forgiveness, acceptance and healing of my shadow self as much as I could.
The healing therapy that worked and works for me has the following steps:
1. Be Aware: When I feel any negative emotions, I try to be aware of the fact that I am feeling such an emotion.
E.g:I see my friend wearing a dress I previously had an eye on and I feel jealous.
2. Validate the feeling: Once I am aware of that feeling, instead of judging myself, I validate my feeling by internally thinking or verbally expressing to myself that I am feeling this emotion and I have every right to feel that emotion.
E.g: I tell myself "Yes, now I am feeling jealous and its okay for me to feel jealous." (If it is an extreme emotion that includes the urge to cry or shout, I find a safe spot (restrooms work best) and cry my heart out or shout into my palms. In case of no such safe spots, I try grounding myself and then intentionally promise me that I will deal with the feeling in a safer spot.)
3. Ask "Why?" with an intention to understand: I then ask myself in a very soft voice, why I am feeling this emotion.
E.g: I ask myself " Baby, why do you feel jealous?" (Since this is in the privacy of my mind, I take the liberty to treat myself like my lover😉.. the more childish it feels, the better!)
4. Wait respectfully for the answer: Sometimes the reasons come spontaneously, sometimes they don't. Beware of any egoistical answers such as "because they can't wear the dress I want!" and if any arise, repeat the process from step 3. Remember that this is a hurt energy and need not necessarily trust me immediately with its true reasons. The more patient I am, the quicker it will come to trust me.
And if I don't get a valid reason, I stop at this step and try to go on with the work I had been doing previously. It is at these times that the reasons get unexpectedly revealed to my mind.
E.g: I hear a reply saying : Because I liked that dress and you scolded me and said you can't buy it for me because its too costly.
5. Seek to understand: Once my shadow energy trusts me enough to give me the actual reason, I seek to understand it. Beware! It is very easy to judge the energy and its reason but that's exactly what caused its hurt in the first place. Judgement hurts my energy, understanding heals my energy. I try to empathize with my energy.
E.g: I reply to the voice: "So you felt hurt that you couldn't have the dress and also felt inferior when I scolded you". Sometimes I hear a response like "Yeah, that's how I felt", other times not.
Side note:
If the reasons given by my energy are about someone in my past with whom I don't deal at present, I find it helpful to write a letter (and tear / burn it) to them from my heart, telling them how I felt with their behavior and in the end that I forgive them even though they haven't apologized, to set myself free.
If it is someone I deal with at present and if this is a current situation, I reach out to them and tell them how their behavior made me feel and ask them to not repeat it.
6. Seek forgiveness: I now realise that I have unintentionally hurt my energy and I seek forgiveness and reconciliation with it.
E.g: "I am sorry I scolded you and didn't understand you at that time. I understand your pain and I hope you can forgive me and come back."
7. Respect my energy's choice: My energy may choose to accept my apology, trust me and join me (if this happens, I visualize a scared child coming from behind a wall to hug me and I hug it)
E.g: I hear a voice asking " Do you mean I can have that dress soon? I'll help you work extra hard at office and make you get more money in your salary! Can I have that dress? Can I??" to which I say " Sure you can baby! You deserve the dress darling...Thank you for deciding to help me!"
or it may choose to rebuke my offer (if this happens, I am faced with no response or reply. My shadow energy may come back any time in the form of its negative feeling to its trigger).
I cannot expect it to reconcile immediately.
8. Send love, warmth and understanding to that energy: I repeat loving affirmations to myself such as " You are safe, You are lovable, You are loved, I love you for who you are, I accept you, I believe in you" and create a safe spot in my mind for my hurt energy to be, in case it comes back when triggered.
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| Embrace and accept yourself with love |
Some energies were too huge in magnitude and in hurt to be healed in one session ( I am still trying to heal them at present) while others required two sessions of 'healing therapy' to shift their polarity to positive and unite with my energy.
The deep rooted feelings of hurt, abandonment, neglect, insecurity, inferiority, being manipulated, being seen as a door mat, betrayal etc had such sorrowful back stories and flashbacks that I would break down and cry along with my energy, feeling guilty of how I had allowed such treatment and also repenting about how I had hurt many people due to my unhealed shadow self.
I cemented in my subconscious to treat my precious energy with respect and love and to treat others with the same respect and love, as much as I could.
Doing shadow work has not only helped me understand, embrace and accept myself with compassion but also has helped me see others with the same level of understanding and compassion.
I am slowly coming to the realization that only Love and Truth are real. Everything else comes under the diverse spectrum of the positive manifestations of love and truth.
Bitterness, resentment, disappointment, loneliness etc cannot come from a place of love or truth and so they are mere illusions; Illusions of the perceptions we have of reality and society.
This epiphany was tough for me to digest.
My view of the world seemed to be split open into a blindingly dazzling 360°, multi dimensional, interconnected miracle.
I am
The curiosity to learn more about Love and Truth has put me on a journey of self realization.
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I would have highlighted the word "feel" many times.
It is absolutely okay to feel a negative emotion but its not okay to execute the actions that it urges you to do if that would affect others and yourself negatively.
E.g: I can feel the urge to slap my brother for no reason when I feel irritated BUT I cannot execute that urge since it serves me no purpose.
I can feel physically threatened by someone who does not understand the meaning of "Stay away!" and execute the urge to push them away or kick them where it hurts with all my energy as this is an act of self defense.
At the end of the day, we are humans and it is tough to keep a calm head space and work through our issues when we have a lot of pressure on us and a few accidents can happen here and there.
The goal would be to maximize our inner peace and minimize the actions of our shadow self.
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I did the majority of this healing during the Covid-19 Lockdown in the safety of my home and I recommend this process to be started and a large part of shadow self healed during holidays or vacations, when you can have abundant time to do it at your own pace.
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links referred to:
image source:
HugThe 'grounding' song for me:
Lavender Dilly Dilly