For me, there are 3 types of people in the world:
- The leaders, who work for their dreams silently, are proud of their work and reap the rewards with humility, thankful to the universe for its blessings, appreciate and help others and have the belief that they can achieve greater heights, which propels them to unlock their inner potential and never settle for too long on their laurels.
- The workers, who have no idea of their true potential and accept whatever they get to be what they deserve but still take some pride in what they achieve, never knowing their true power.
- The ones with a half baked, fake and toxic mindset, who outwardly downplay themselves so much that they appear to be doormats, inwardly feel smug and superior to some and inferior to others, easily manipulate others for their own gain and easy-to-manipulate, idly fantasize great achievements but are afraid to try going after what they want and secretly feeling jealous of others who achieve their dreams.
At most points in my life, I have been more of the third type.
It was only through the harsh process of self introspection and reflection on previous life choices and experiences (made easy by the lock down) did I realise where I stood at that point (somewhere lower than ground zero).
I had been repeating toxic cycles throughout my life, believing that I never deserved the best and believing I would forever be the fake, resentful, victimized doormat who would never get to live her life since the world was against her (apparently).
Every ship I entered into, platonic or romantic, I would have this toxic mindset, set myself up for failure and blame myself for every single thing that went wrong but never would attempt to change since change was scary for me. Moreover, I would attract people of a similar toxic mindset ( Law of Attraction folks... its real. Similar mindsets attract each other) and end up falling into an increasingly negative downward spiral with no space for improvement.
When I was forced to become painfully aware of my toxic mindset (due to self isolation, a curiosity in psychology and a host of online personality quizzes), I had a choice to make.
Either stay in my comfort zone and live the same predictable fake life with an awareness of its toxic effect on me and my reality (As within, so without - my mindset forms my reality)
or
Push myself out of my comfort zone, try to change my mindset, break the toxic cycle, uncover the unknown me hidden beneath layers of victim cards, self doubt, self hate and self sabotage.
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| The Known Devil vs The Unknown Angel |
To say that this was a difficult choice is an understatement. It was the toughest choice I had ever have to make yet. For me, I enjoyed stability and comfort even if it was unhealthy. I hated being put into uncertainty or challenging situations (And then came Corona).
There was also the fear of how others would perceive me (Would they hate me for no longer being a doormat? Will I be accepted for being the true me? Is it wrong for me to be assertive of my needs and wants? Will I be labelled a bad person for cutting off people? Am I worthy of self respect?)
The lock down didn't seem to be getting lifted anytime soon, so I had a good deal of time to weigh the challenges I would have to undergo if I chose option 2, whose outcome was pretty clear - Freedom from the past.
I procrastinated a great deal, convincing myself that the next day would be an auspicious day, why not start then? and backing out of it the next day by blaming myself for losing a precious day the day before, scathingly scolding myself that I would never change.
All this time, my subconscious was sending me flashbacks of those toxic situations I had created for myself in the past and in the end, the fear of the past repeating itself propelled me to change my mindset.
Quite literally that. No amount of envisioning a better future could give me the push that the fear of repeating my toxic past did.
Now I realise that the whole "envisioning a brighter future" deal didn't work for me since I had envisioned a beautiful future I felt I wouldn't be capable of creating or worthy of living and convinced myself that these were happy but idle fantasies, because at that time, I was thinking from the same toxic mentality that told me I was not good enough for anything.
Equipped with highly exaggerated visions of my ruin if I repeated the past cycle, I started out to change myself in the one way I knew best: Writing.
At first it was writing my heart out in a diary, which later became small messages I would post in my status, which has now evolved into this beautiful blog.
Slowly, I changed and surely, I started being my authentic self.
Did others accept me for who I really was?
Some did and some didn't.
Did some label me as being 'selfish' when I was being assertive? Yes.
Did I miss the people I cut off from my life?
At that time initially, yes, because I was feeling lonely.
At present, No.
Do I fear change now?
I'm not comfortable with change yet but I know change is necessary and that it leads me to unbelievably beautiful destinations.
Do I regret my choices that lead to my change?
NO.
Throughout this journey, I kept and keep myself sane by stubbornly sticking to one principle: I am not going back to what hurt me, no matter how lost or lonely I feel.
At times, I do falter and feel the toxic mindset trying to come back, at which time I ground myself and try to think why its coming back, since my brain still thinks that this toxicity is a safety mechanism in times of danger (It has helped me get out of sticky situations in the past, for which I am grateful. I have learnt to not hate the person I used to be since I know I was doing what I thought was best for me at that time. I am now creating healthier "safety mechanisms" suiting my present mindset).
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| Wisdom from The Lion King :) |
Stepping into my power has been less of realizing my potential and more of stepping away from the toxicity I had identified as my own.
I am a more well rounded person now, kinder to myself with a good amount of empathy for others, having strict, strong and healthy boundaries, very open to receiving help, compliments and critiques for my work, proud of what I've built and who I am, excited to see the greater heights I work to reach and thankful to the Universe for all the blessings it has given me. The magical thing is, this is just the beginning!
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| What my future self wants me to know |
Apparently, I've become more silent, straightforward, courageous, genuine and walk with a straight and strong gait (as observed by my dear mother) and I own that.
I am loving who I am now (much more of type 1 and 2 combined) and I can't wait to see the person I will evolve into.
This has been my journey till now. Share yours in the comments!