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An Apology to My Inner Critic

Dear Inner Critic,

It feels weird to call you dear when I've been antagonizing you my entire life; when in fact any motivational video that I've come across has only lectured me to ignore you and prove you wrong.
 
I loved ignoring you because you just seem to pop out of nowhere to be my personalized buzz kill. 

I loved proving you wrong because it weirdly boosts my ego, for me to tell "I told you I was right" to a voice that always tells me this dialog (mini revenge).

But you know what, Covid has hit the world and locked me up in self isolation and I fell into the world of personal development (because why not?). And I have made amazing progress to say the least but I seem to be having a major stumbling point when it comes to "compassion" - the art of having concern for the misfortune of others and being willing to look beyond their flaws - with people who I have felt hurt by (obviously including you). 

I mean, I can have compassion for people who have done nothing against me, but I find it hard to forgive those who have put me down, trash talked me & violated my boundaries (especially you). 

It seems unfathomable for me to even consider you to be anything more than this hypercritical and judgmental monster that you seem to be to me.

I took some time to pause and reflect here, trying to put to use the lessons I had learnt in compassion, trying to see you from a fresh perspective. 

And I did. 

I saw you for who you really, truly were, this hypersensitive, fearful, anxiety ridden voice that only had the intention to look out for me and ensure I didn't end up getting hurt.

Looking back to all those times when your voice was too overwhelming to ignore, looking back to those times when I did (and didn't) listen to you, 
I realise that most of the traumatic incidents that have happened in my life would not have happened, had I listened to you (but some of those incidents happened only because I listened to your irrational point of view).

You are the manifestation of all my fears and you have been programmed to primarily make sure I don't go near those fears, which are: fear of being alone (hell-o quarantine), fear of being abandoned (hellew isolation), fear of being judged (hello Instagram), fear of the unknown (hello 2020) and fear of loss of control (hello Corona!). Ironically, I had to face all of my fears within the first 6 months of this year, which, as it turns out, are not really as bad as you had made it to be.

Now, at the end of the day, whether I like it or not, you are definitely a part of me; a part that I will carry with me throughout my life, no changing that, unfortunately. 

I think its high time I start treating you better, for my own peace of mind, not because you are going to change the way you interact with me.

Hence, I apologize.

I apologize for ignoring you, hating you, wishing you wouldn't exist (which I sometimes still do) and most importantly, for not communicating properly with you. 

To be fair, you didn't know how to properly get the message across to me because I never took the time to listen (I was too busy ignoring you)! 

No wonder you turned into this hypercritical buzz killing beast, because only then I actually acknowledged your existence. 

You must care so much for me that you turn yourself into a monster just so that I listen to what you have to say. You never really cared what I thought of you; you were just going on with your job of looking out for me (in the worst approach possible). 

Kind of makes you such a sweetheart, because I can see that you care a lot for me, deep down (and also, I give you this perspective because I don't want to hate something that is a part of me)

So, just like everyone wants to forget that 2020 ever happened and start 2021 afresh, I want to start all over with you. I want to listen to the subconscious wisdom that you have, hidden beneath those criticisms. 

I want to know how I can live my best life and have you, my inner critic, as my best friend. 

We have a long journey ahead of us, but at least I won't wish for you to disappear anymore :)

Yours Compassionately

Me 

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