Today marks the beginning of the 20th year of my earthly existence, although I feel like a 10 year old kid with 10 years of work experience with life.
I generally wouldn't really like celebrating my birthday (which would usually consist of wishes from my loved ones, a new dress gifted by my parents and a surprise cake from my sister). I felt I had to achieve something worthy enough to call for a "celebration", so to speak.
But this year though, is so radically different. Obviously, the year 2020 or infamously known as The Year That Must Not Be Named (Voldemort reference), has turned all birthdays from the month of March into "Quarantine Birthdays", because literally, the birthday humans were either in self isolation or in lock down.
Yet for me, this is such a beautiful birthday that I take pride in celebrating. This day is definitely a cornerstone and a turning point in my life. It marks the culmination of my inner journey of soul searching, life purpose finding, personal evolution, spiritual ascension and of course a whole lot of self love and self acceptance.
2020 began like just another normal year for me but turned quite ghastly and horrifying, in the months of January, February till the beginning of March. I call this time period the Dark Night of my Soul, because it was during this time that I lost it completely.
I felt hurt beyond measure, disrespected like a door mat, shamed for my identity, character and personality and I did at one point contemplate running away from my life, for good.
All of this insanity took place because many traumatic and consequential incidents that happened to me (mostly during this time), proved to me:
- how I had been living a life others wanted me to live, but not what I wanted to live,
- how I could easily get taken advantage of and then get manipulated into thinking that whatever happened, was all my fault.
- how easy it was to force me to do things I found repulsive and uncomfortable
- how incredibly stupid I was to confuse integrity of character with keeping up the promises I had given in the past which no longer resonated with my values in the present.
- how being polite and being a doormat are two separate things
It feels strange to realise that all this took place just a few months ago, to be exact, 5 months ago. It was this dark time that propelled me to start this blog and blindly try whatever I could, to heal myself from those wounds and transform myself into a much more stronger and resilient person.
I am sharing this story, because there are so many of us going through challenges similar to what I've listed above and many people think there is no way out of this mess, that they have no other choice but to live in such a toxic mess, especially when there is a way to end this madness.
To any and every reader who can resonate with what I've written till now, you are not alone in your struggle. You don't need to live a dead life being who others want you to be.
No matter what you've gone through, no matter how many problems you are facing as a consequence of your niceness being taken advantage of, I'm here to tell you that its all going to be okay.
Please do not lose hope.
It definitely is difficult to wake up each day feeling overwhelmingly helpless and blaming your sleep for not taking you away from this life.
It is difficult to even imagine a happy, peaceful existence when all you've faced is struggle, struggle and more struggle, no matter what you do.
It is very easy to blame God, the Universe or other people for what has happened in your life and very easy to expect a miraculous saviour to pull you out of the mess and magically transform your life into something peaceful and happy.
I am not judging you or anyone who does this because it is exactly what has been portrayed as the cookie cutter model for a perfect life.
Any popular movie or book you take has the same stereotype of hero/heroine struggling, hero/heroine praying, hero/heroine magically getting saved without seeming to put in any effort and of course hero/heroine living happily ever after.
I believed in it too.
I believed I could not stand up for myself and would have to forever rely on someone else to have my back. I am not proud to say this, but I used to think of myself as the damsel in forever distress, always needing support and never having her own back (or even a backbone).
I used to feel resentful when I did things that I didn't feel comfortable doing, but what others wanted me to do, because I wanted to please them.
I used to never understand the value of people and would take many for granted, obviously because I never took the time to make a meaningful connection with them.
And to this date, there are very few incidences that I would personally recall "memories" (in the pre March 2020 era), because most of the time, I was so obsessed with pleasing those people that I never was actually present, mentally or emotionally, in that moment.
A pretty delusional and depressing life. Yet I lived it, day after day, resentment growing within me, one part of me roaring to make a change and live my life the way I wanted to. But I couldn't, not at that time at least, since everything I had formed an attachment to, barring a few true bonds, were based on this spineless people pleasing tendency, where I would feel anxiety instead of concern when someone wanted to have a serious conversation with me. Anxiety over what I could have possibly done wrong and never concern over what was actually going on with them and how I could help them.
This toxic mentality of mine only attracted toxic people to me and I feel fortunate to have been heavily protected by the Universe and my spirit guides, because I managed to learn my lessons and rid myself of the toxicity, escaping relatively unscathed but still having had a harrowing experience.
The Universe gave me a fair few warnings, in 2013, 2014, 2015, 2017 and 2018, but I felt more relieved to have escaped the consequences of those dire situations and was ignorant to the lessons to be learnt.
Being the caregiver it always is, the Universe decided to shake me to my core and gave me many many final warnings all throughout 2019, which I started waking up to, but wasn't completely aware of.
And then came 2020. The masterstroke of the Universe, which gave me a final slap that would send me back on track to my true self and make me stay true to that path.
That slap being, a preview to how horrible my life would end up if I continued in the toxic, codependent path of resentful people pleasing.
I used to feel scared to reveal my true self because my sensitive nature hurt easily when it felt judged or criticised; not anymore.
I used to ape people and their personalities in an attempt to be liked by them; not anymore.
I used to hate confrontations and debates; now I enjoy them.
I have managed to grow a spine and a very firm one at that.
I have learnt that I am not for everyone, I won't be liked by everyone and that's okay, since everyone has their own preference and it is absolutely not my fault if they don't prefer me.
I have strong, firm boundaries. I am assertive enough to communicate those boundaries to the people I interact with and have the courage to call a spade a spade, if it looks like a spade from my perspective.
I have a huge amount of self respect and will be the first person to walk away from a situation or a person who does not respect my boundaries.
I have learnt to stop tolerating poop from anyone and if it ever seems that they are trying to push my limits, I at first diplomatically and then savagely inform them to back away and mind their own business.
I no longer pay attention to what is not at all deserving of my precious energy and time.
I no longer am "nice" to people, in a way where I gloss over their imperfections and see them with rose tinted spectacles ; I have a realistic view of them and tell them who I see them to be, to their face.
I am owning who I am as a person, faults and all, even as I learn more and more about myself every single day.
I prioritize the relationship with me to the maximum and if it means that I get labelled as "high maintenance", "selfish", "too much" or any other irrelevant judgement, I don't give a fart.
I am true to myself, which reflects as truth in my interactions with everyone and everything.
I have learnt the value of people and cherish the many true loved ones I have deep connections with.
I thank all the gods I know for helping me in this amazing transition over literally 5 months (I never would have imagined me in the place that I am today, 6 months ago).
And 6 months from now, I will once again be amazed at the spiritual progress I would have made, because I have fallen in love with myself and the process of self inquiry, of "Who Am I?".
But for today though, I am at the most peaceful place ever.
I am so grateful to the people who supported me in this journey and eternally thankful to the angels, ascended masters, spirit guides and gods that protect me and guide me in my journey.
I have become home to myself, on this day of my 20th birthday.
I have freed myself completely from trying to please, satisfy and not disappoint others. (in the words of the amazing Glennon Doyle: every time you're given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your job is to disappoint that someone else.)
I have given myself the greatest gift: the freedom to be the true me.
A goal I once thought to be unattainable and impossible.
But that is just how life goes on I guess, you start out trying to find yourself in others and end up finding yourself in you.
I found me and I hope you do too :)