Triggers were something I used to actively avoid. Because of the way they made me feel: restless, frustrated, angry, disappointed and a wide spectrum of uncomfortable feelings.
For the uninitiated,
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| Psychology Today Triggers are are similar to that burnt or itchy feeling we get around any bleeding scratches, stinging bites or broken bones. The pain is there for a reason, to inform us that something is out of balance. Most of the time, we don't need to do anything except wash the wound and rest in one place, allowing our body to give primary care to heal the wound and ensuring our energy is concentrated mostly in healing. The irony is, we have been taught to take rest when we have physical wounds; but not for emotional wounds, especially when it too needs similar care. "Toughen up", "Man up", "Suffer Silently", "No pity parties", "Don't cry for this and all", "Stop being a baby" are some common generalizations thrown at those undergoing emotional pain and showing that they need help and care. This being ingrained in our minds, we tend to numb those wounds by diverting our energies and thoughts elsewhere. Its pretty much like you leave your bleeding wound out in the open, trying to act like it doesn't hurt, when you know that it hurts.  I would always question, sometimes in my mind, sometimes outwardly, why? Why does crying out my feelings make me a "baby"? Taking inspiration from that very "baby" label, I realised that babies have no qualms about crying out their natural feelings; It is a natural response to extreme emotions. Baby hungry? Baby Cry. Baby sleepy? Baby Cry. Baby angry? Baby Cry. Baby sad? Baby Cry.  Babies know, instinctively, that they want support, at such moments. They know crying to be one healthy way to let out that excessive chemical build up of emotions. They also know of the comfort of human contact during such times. As adults, we don't exactly metamorphose into all knowing saints, do we? We still have that basic survival instinct Then why are we taught to hide it and suppress it? "When men cry, they look weak" "When women cry, they are creating drama" "When someone cries, they are creating sympathy and pity" Why so many labels for such a fundamentally healthy coping mechanism of crying? Quite simply because, we are never taught how to handle a vulnerable person. Has anyone ever heard of a unit called "How to cope with emotions" at school? No Have we ever received any workshops on "How to support another human being"? Na-da How about a movie on "How to not take advantage of someone's vulnerability" ? pwsh...who would watch that? Just because of the fear of a certain someone taking advantage of our vulnerability when we don't know how to face that.. and our lack of knowing how to cope with any emotional trauma or even how to handle someone undergoing any trauma, we find it much easier to just brush it under the carpet than deal with it.  Because you can't fear the unknown when its under the rug right? From a very young age, having been conditioned to the "Strong boys don't cry, Strong girls don't cry" adage and also having been shamed for crying ("Ewww... why are you crying for this and all??"), we don't get to use that normal coping mechanism in front of others. We start associating crying with shame and do it behind closed doors or in the bathroom. For some of us though, we find relief in crying. We still have some sensitivity left in us, to honor our tears. For others though, crying itself becomes a thing of shame, even when done in the privacy of their closets. They beat themselves up and shame themselves for crying, when they need love, acceptance and support the most! No use in blaming them, they were conditioned that way, by a society that tackled vulnerability in the most disgusting way possible, just for the sake of stability.  We find it difficult to open up about our deepest emotions and this is also one of the reasons why we are forever searching for "the one", because we need a place where we can be safe enough to feel vulnerable, and unfortunately, we are not that space for ourselves!! This is such a terrible scenario, where you actually need someone else to feel safe enough to cry because you don't feel safe enough to cry with your own self, since that inner critic is gonna pop out at any moment and shame you for crying out your anger, sadness, grief, etc. What does all this have to do with triggers? Everything. Remember when I said that we had never been taught how to deal with emotional wounds? Well, those wounds don't heal, especially by numbing them or hiding them; they just grow in the shadows and start turning into something we are afraid to face. They need just one word, one smell, one picture, one person to show themselves to us. These words/people/places/scents etc are the triggers and the reaction of most people would be to shout, scream or act out on their hidden feelings being triggered.  In the name of "keeping the peace", people around these 'explosive individuals' (for lack of better description) learn quickly what triggers them and ensure that they never ever step into those zones, because woe to the one that does, for they will face the defensive wrath!  I used to be extremely self aware (to the point of painful awareness) of what triggered me and yet I was scared to tell it to others, fearing they would stop talking to me or find me "too much to handle". It didn't help much, since whenever I felt triggered, the surge of tears was too great to suppress and I'd end up crying, no matter what emotion, and running away from the situation, hearing people around me laughing at me and shaming me for crying by saying "Chumma chumma ellathukum azhugaatha (Don't cry for everything)" or "ayyaa...enna ipd azhara (Ew....why are you crying like this)" And the highlight of all highlights: "Don't be so sensitive in life" They would of course come up with advice and suggestions on how I need to stop acting out and learn to hide my feeling. And I'd be standing there, thinking even in those tears, "This isn't helping me" Now that I look back, I just feel like laughing. Laughing at myself for taking everything so seriously. Laughing at those people around me for their poor understanding of dealing with 'emotional people'. Laughing at society for its ingenuity in creating a 'Shame the crybaby' culture. A while ago, I started describing some of my triggers and telling some of the people around me that this is what would trigger me, please can you not venture into that area? The outcome? No, not much of a change really, since my reaction to triggers was more aimed at myself and less aimed at them, meaning they didn't get affected by my feelings, so why would they change their triggering actions? I expected them to, since it was something I would do for them. The biggest shift I have ever made emotionally, is understanding that people do not have to fulfill any expectation because, while expecting lies within me, actions lie within them, and even if I convey my expectations to them, it is still up to them to consider it and base their actions upon it, which they may or may not do. So much for a revelation, it didn't really help me with handling my triggers! I did learn to manage my emotions and found other coping mechanisms such as journaling, meditating, paper burning, pencil breaking, stress ball pressing etc. But then, these were just helping me cope. They weren't an end, just a tool. I wanted more. I wanted these triggers to end. I didn't like feeling uncomfortable every day because of a trigger for some emotionally associated event that had happened long back. I mean, why did I have to go through that distress over and over again? I wanted peace!  I started thinking if there was something narrow about my perception of triggers and it was around this time that I heard of Byron Katie, through a Jay Shetty podcast (link here). The most profound message from the podcast was this quote: "The cause of all suffering is what we are thinking and believing" (source: Jay Shetty YouTube) I'll let that sink in. I rewound the podcast to this point and repeated it on loop, because I was so mind blown. It added to my earlier doubt of do I need to view triggers differently. Yes. Yes I did. I needed to see triggers as less uncomfortable and more seeking comfort. As less shameful and more needing help As less needing to be hidden and more needing to be resolved. So I did. I did shift my perspective from looking at triggers in annoyance for the discomfort they brought to looking at triggers lovingly for the wounds they alerted me of. I started looking deep into the wounds, trying to resolve them. I got help from Byron Katie once again, with her words of wisdom, which I paraphrase here: "Every time you think of an event recall what your thoughts about yourself were, then. Ask yourself now, 'Is this true?' " An example from my own triggers: Seeing my teeth. The event: Someone I used to look up to and admire, telling me "You have ugly, crooked teeth" My thoughts then: "I want to fit in and be accepted by you; If you point out something you don't like about me, I need to feel ashamed of being that way because it wasn't accepted by you" I visited her website at thework.com and found an amazing worksheet to solidify this resolving of issues, parts of which I've shared here:   link for worksheet template: ( click here ) I came to finally resolving this trigger, thinking "Is this true?", well, its true that my teeth are crooked, but its not true that they are ugly or shameful to look at; not anymore. They are a part of me, and if I am to think of a part of me as shameful, I automatically think of myself entirely as shameful; when I am not shameful! I am beautiful!  Don't I look gorgeous? So, all this time, my triggers hadn't been making me feel uncomfortable; they were just trying to bring me peace through resolution. My tears are not to be shamed; they were ensuring that toxic chemicals were being let out and not staying stagnant in my system, allowing me the space to resolve those wounds and issues. So to my triggers and my tears, I say Thank You.  |