I am one of those people who feel terrified to loosen up, let down my guard and simply put, to have fun. I tend to see that word of "Having Fun" akin to "Being Unproductive" or "Being Purposeless" and I find it very difficult to even process the fact that having fun is healthy and in fact necessary.
Coming from a family of fabulous achievers, each of whom have achieved laurels and appreciation in whatever field they enjoyed and loved doing, I had set for myself a rather unhealthy standard of "Be the best in something or else you are nothing" (probably from which my harsh inner critic and perfectionist tendencies evolved).
I also evolved a very set attitude that whatever I do must have a purpose (sounds pretty good right? well actually it isn't). My definition of purpose was limited to "an action that evokes a favorable outcome" and I honestly don't know if this is the actual definition of purpose or if it must be perceived this way.
I used to take pride in the fact that I never said that I was bored or in other words jobless at any point of my childhood (I definitely made it easy for anyone to take care of me since I wouldn't bother anyone to entertain me or relieve me of my boredom). Although it looked like a very mature approach, in hindsight, it had devastating effects on me as an adult.
I was independent (and still am, to an extent) to the point of being foolishly stubborn. No matter how much I needed help, I would rather stew in my own juice than ask for help. I considered asking for help akin to being codependent and powerless (I know...this sounds foolish). Coming back to the main point, I would rather put on a show of being occupied than admit that I was actually bored.
And the really sad thing is, I forgot how to have fun in the process of trying to look like I had got it all put together, because I was terrified to do anything casually, since I was so much achievement oriented to the point of measuring my self worth to the achievements I had made.
I could not fathom doing something for fun, casually, where there is no place for competition, where there was no need to feel on edge all the time, where I could relax and drop down my guard.
So that is when I started investigating the science of having fun (honestly, I seem to be a very boring person😆), from which I have consolidated these pointers:
Numberrrr One:
Stop Taking Criticisms, sarcastic remarks, crude innuendos or offensive statements personally.
What on earth does this have to do with having fun, you ask? Well, you see, everyone, including you and me, love to find faults and be high and mighty critics. It is a natural tendency. And it is also the natural tendency of a perfectionist to fear being judged or poked fun at, because we want to do things perfectly (quite impossible).
And what happens when you are in perpetual fear of the outcome being not perfect or not pleasing everyone? You don't even enjoy the process, which is, in essence, what having fun is all about.
So the natural first step to having fun would be to let go of the fear of being judged and to also understand that not everyone will like what you do, the way you do it and that's okay.
You do not need to be accepted and loved by everyone,to consider yourself to be worthy or lovable.It is enough if you know your worth.
If they try to put you down or critic your work, try to see it from the angle that its all about them and not about you.
And if someone is crossing boundaries or limits, call them out by highlighting their statements. (Eg. I didn't like what you just said or You didn't have to say that)
#2. Care more about how you feel about yourself and less about how others want you to feel about yourself.
Now, thinking of how others feel about you, your actions or your work is healthy, as long as it does not overtake how you feel about yourself.
If your idea of fun is to throw eggs and tomatoes at someone else, the least you can do is ask them if they are okay with it or be prepared to face consequences. Or else, try exploring different alternatives, such as paint guns in a paint gun arena.
If your idea of fun is to work out calculus and if someone tries to put you down for being "lame" or "uncool" or "boring", go back to Numberr One. Just because its not their idea of fun doesn't mean yours is any less enjoyable.
At the end of the day, its your happiness that matters. If this hobby or pursuit does not traumatize anyone in any way, then its healthy.
(3) Be comfortable with being rejected
and with not getting responses, validation or approval
from those that you expect it from
(and anything else that you associate with "losing the competition")
There are some cheesy and prophetic lines like "Rejection is Redirection", "God has something better in store" etc which I often get quoted or see when I search for "How to deal with rejection" or ask my trusted ones about it.
The thing is, not many talk about how the feeling of getting rejected sucks. It hurts a lot to be rejected, especially when you put in a lot of energy, discipline and dedication to your work. It actually hurts more to be rejected when you're having fun or doing something casually because this is the one time you let your guard down and hence were not prepared to shield yourself from rejection, invalidation or disapproval.
So, what helped me was, instead of trying to numb the feeling of hurt, I allowed myself to feel the hurt and before I took it personally, I acknowledged that I got rejected because I did not fit into someone else's description of fun.... so it was not about me, but them. As soon as I felt the hurt and depersonalized the comment or critic, I was able to let go. No it wasn't easy and Yes, I had to work on myself for a long time to get to this point, because of my people pleasing perfectionist mindset. But it was so worth it.
4> Focus on the action itself
and not on what the result of the action is going to give you
If you are dancing, focus on the beats and the moves and not on if or how the crowd is gonna love you.
If you are singing, focus on the feel of the music and the notes, not on if you are being too high or too low.
If you need help with the process, ask.
Allow yourself to dissolve in the action, not on the result.
5 EMBRACE UNCERTAINTY
Even if I follow the above, there are places where I slip up, where I unexpectedly fail, where I get laughed at or made the butt of a joke.
There are also places where I get appreciated, praised and celebrated.
It took a long time for me to realise that neither the jokes, nor the praise defined me, because it was still me that it was directed at.
The choices I made and the way I handled the consequences and evolved, made me who I am today.
The last step to having fun, for me, was to embrace that uncertainty, receive whatever it gave me as a blessing in disguise and allow myself the time and space to recover before I moved on to the next action.
And that, is how I learned to have fun.😉