In the isolation period that is now the norm in this pandemic afflicted era, I asked myself question upon question about who I was, what my purpose was, why I had even chosen this lifetime to enter this planet, what was the reason behind my birth, why did I have to do some regretful actions, why did I have to go through some terrifying trauma, why, why, why?
And all I got in the end, quite unsurprisingly, was a headache that refused to leave me, a mother and sister who requested me to pipe down in the quest of family history and an unquenchable curiosity that threatened to burn me.
Temporarily quitting my rather unsatisfying journey that gave me more questions to ponder on the illogical answers I got, made me think something was wrong with me for wanting those answers.
Or was that the case...?
As I idly went down memory lane, more to experience a feeling of nostalgia and hardly to start the 'Why?' game again, a beautiful epiphany popped up which blew my mind in its simplicity and truth.
Have I been asking these questions to the wrong source?
What if this source had never been stable in the first place?
And then it hit me. I had been asking deep, life altering questions to a shallow and fickle ego, that changed itself every second to suit its surroundings better. It was rather like asking a vague question to an pansophist - They would say answers for the sake of it, to look smart but would never admit what they didn't know- they just had to have all the answers.
Fortunately-unfortunately, I had to start all over from level zero and ask those questions to someone who did know the answers. The million dollar question was, who was it? and the even more burning question was would I be able to handle the true answers? Was I self compassionate enough to accept the truth of my own life?
Identifying as a perfectionist who was highly self critical, I had to definitely develop self love if I had to embrace who I had been, how much ever dislikable it would be. Only if I had the courage to own up to my past mistakes, would I have the courage to take charge of my present and evolve into a better person. I could't hide forever from who I had been. I had to face it one day.
I decided to face it with acceptance, for which I had to practice a lot of self acceptance, starting with gradually lessening the intensity of my self criticism from its sky high, be-the-best-or-be-nothing standard to an I-made-a-mistake-but-I-can-always-learn-and-improve standard, which was so tough. I was so used to slapping myself for any teeny weeny error I made that self compassion didn't even make sense to me in the beginning since why would I want to help me be better when I know I'm never enough? Why on earth would I try to accept a dumb head like me? And hey, this is pretty much a society standard, where self love is compared to self pity and nope, I wasn't going to show off that I was holding a pity party for myself, what would people think of me?
The one rational thing I did do at this point, was to write all these thoughts in a paper and look at them after some time, imagining I was screaming those very words at my best friend or sister or mom (inspired by this video). And the moment I even thought of telling those words to anyone, I just wanted to punch myself for being a bully and a drama queen. No wonder I didn't understand self love, I was too busy bullying myself. And man, I felt so bad and guilty, I wanted to run away from that truth any chance I got, since I always felt I was a nice person and could never imagine me as a bully, much less to myself!
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| me breaking down hopelessly as I realise this |
Adding salt to my bleeding wounds came another realization: I had been asking the truth from an ego that was a hypocrite and a bully- it would never acknowledge the truth for what it was.
No wonder I got false or illogical answers. My sources were never accountable in the first place.
And finally came the fact that hit me like a bulldozer - I could never trust myself again till I grew self compassionate and self accepting. I had to prove that I was no more a bully but a positively transformed person.
At this point, I honestly couldn't take it anymore and I broke down, letting go of all preconceptions I had held about me, of all I thought others thought of me, of everything that I held on to as my reality, because I didn't know what to believe in anymore.
It was in this state of apathy and detachment that I started praying for a solution, for a way out; I couldn't trust myself to find the way out and I was too ashamed to ask someone for help.
I don't know what to call it, a miracle, an intervention, divine timing or anything, but I was drawn to Tarot. Specifically, Tarot pick a card videos that would narrate the events of my life, about who I was and who I would become.
I honestly entered it with a hopeless mindset, thinking I had reached such a low point that nothing a Tarot reader could tell me about me would shock me; I was ready to accept anything thrown at me since I had already hit rock bottom in my view of me.
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| Let's see what these cards say |
The cards on the other hand, gave a very accurate but positive picture of me which I couldn't believe, so I went to another video, then another, till I had covered around 20 videos posted over the last 2 years, that said pretty much the same thing about me.
This was oddly relieving, since I apparently wasn't such a bad person, I could improve, I could change myself for the better, but whom do I trust from now on? Who would be that stable bedrock or foundation for me? Believe it or not, I went to another tarot video for this, (I had gotten deep faith in Tarot by this time) and the message I received was TRUST THE UNIVERSE.
I traveled down memory lane once more, this time looking for places where I had given up hope on a situation and saw how, miraculously, I was saved or things just worked out in my favour!
My Universe had gotten my back this whole time and I had been blind to it. (Isn't that how we are most of the time? We tend to ignore what we have right under our nose.)
Now the Universe could mean anything - God, Self, Buddha, Jesus, Nature, Allah, Vishnu, Shiva etc. For me, I took it as a spirit of Lord Murugar and Goddess Kaali; Two people I could blindly depend on to guide me since they are eternal and all knowing.
It was very easy to blame all my shortcomings on them and very difficult to thank them for my success and achievements and this feeling of deep gratitude and trust in them came after an intense and painful period of practicing mindfulness.
I no longer trust my ego with whatever job I do since I only receive the feeling of anxiety, since my ego lives in the illusion of control.
So let go I did. I now mostly trust the Universe in whatever I do. I do have relapses at times where I think I can control the situation, but one hint of anxiety later, I come back to my trusted Universe. I have no clue what my future holds for me; I simply believe.
When I attain success, I send gratitude to my guides.
When I feel blocked, I reach out to my guides for help.
When I feel hopeless, I pray to them for strength.
When I feel anxious, I tell them my fears and let go.
They help and save me.
Every.Single.Time