Although I don't follow a particular schedule for updating my blog with new posts, I do generally have ideas churning in the back of my mind which magically shape themselves into the beautiful creations I get as result.
This post was no stranger to that format, but yet this post is different (as all my posts are). The difference in this post is that I had to battle with my brain, ego and mind (which were blocking all those beautiful ideas from becoming solid posts) before I could write it.
At first I was extremely frustrated with myself, since the usual flow of creative energy, which would tell me the story I would later type as a post, was very intermittent and scarce, but the idea was still there. I am pretty sure there is nothing more frustrating than having something at the tip of your tongue, knowing that you have the correct idea, yet being unable to express it at all (is this what writer's block feels like?😐)
Vowing to avenge my kidnapped creative energy, I went full speed ahead into a deep inner battle with my ego which I then immediately regretted, since my ego, feeling threatened, removed any trace of the creativity in those developing ideas.
Feeling utterly hopeless and frustrated, I took a leaf out of my own book (blog) and decided to forgive my ego and let it go, which took me all my willpower, and hoped for a better tomorrow.
The better tomorrow unfortunately did not arrive the next day or even the day after that! Why was I being deprived of my most important source of self expression, my creativity? What had caused this? so went my mind voice, aptly supported by my mom's and a few other followers of the blog's warm inquiries of "When is the next post writer-ji?"
I finally decided to stop being dormant and started taking up other projects (such as amateur cooking, video mixing, poster making etc) which did give me a sense of self expression, but could not be matched up by the euphoria my blog gave me. I missed this true love of mine, my main achievement, a lot.
The dopamine hit I would get when I posted something I believed in, the happiness I got when I knew this would help someone, the pride I felt when someone appreciated those words, the emotional growth and maturity I felt after expressing myself in my writing, I missed all of this terribly.
And then it hit me. My ego had kidnapped my creativity to save itself. It was scared of pushing me to strive towards improvement. It was scared of losing its comfort zone (which was to be comfortably sitting on the basic laurels this blog had given me).
It felt I had done enough, since I had proved to others and to myself that I was a decent writer. Its identity had been based on external validation all these days, and once it had gotten enough validation to sustain itself, it had stopped motivating me to write.
It wanted to transfer this creativity to some other field entirely. In a sense, my ego identified itself to be 'Jack of all trades, Master of none' - skilled to a certain extent in everything but not being extraordinary in anything.
I had come to a crossroads here.
Either go with what my ego said, shut down my blog, give up on my writing, start something new at which I would learn the basics, earn a medal or two and give up after I got used to the initial high of unexpectedly achieving.
Or break up with my ego and create a new identity for myself.
After very less thinking, the path was clear for me. I broke up with my ego.
Now, whenever it tries to find its way back to me, I take it as a signal to push myself even further, learn more, get enlightened and spread my message as well as I can, until I identify myself with a higher self than that of my ego.
Ego loves comfort, predictability, stability and manifests itself as laziness and boredom. Breaking up with my ego has made me confront my fear of the unknown head on and emerge victorious.
I trust the Universe, my intuition and I know I am protected in whatever venture I take up. By this, I don't mean I am protected from being hurt or getting broken. By saying that I am protected, I mean I have a safe place where I can learn from my mistakes, heal my wounds and move on.
My ego lied to protect me and I refuse to live with lie anymore.
I'm sure I will overcome any future cases of writer's block or any other hurdle and continue blogging and growing.
This post was no stranger to that format, but yet this post is different (as all my posts are). The difference in this post is that I had to battle with my brain, ego and mind (which were blocking all those beautiful ideas from becoming solid posts) before I could write it.
 |
| Avengers assemble! |
At first I was extremely frustrated with myself, since the usual flow of creative energy, which would tell me the story I would later type as a post, was very intermittent and scarce, but the idea was still there. I am pretty sure there is nothing more frustrating than having something at the tip of your tongue, knowing that you have the correct idea, yet being unable to express it at all (is this what writer's block feels like?😐)
Vowing to avenge my kidnapped creative energy, I went full speed ahead into a deep inner battle with my ego which I then immediately regretted, since my ego, feeling threatened, removed any trace of the creativity in those developing ideas.
 |
| Me crashing against my ego |
Feeling utterly hopeless and frustrated, I took a leaf out of my own book (blog) and decided to forgive my ego and let it go, which took me all my willpower, and hoped for a better tomorrow.
 |
| So much for inner peace |
The better tomorrow unfortunately did not arrive the next day or even the day after that! Why was I being deprived of my most important source of self expression, my creativity? What had caused this? so went my mind voice, aptly supported by my mom's and a few other followers of the blog's warm inquiries of "When is the next post writer-ji?"
I finally decided to stop being dormant and started taking up other projects (such as amateur cooking, video mixing, poster making etc) which did give me a sense of self expression, but could not be matched up by the euphoria my blog gave me. I missed this true love of mine, my main achievement, a lot.
The dopamine hit I would get when I posted something I believed in, the happiness I got when I knew this would help someone, the pride I felt when someone appreciated those words, the emotional growth and maturity I felt after expressing myself in my writing, I missed all of this terribly.
 |
| I miss you Creativity ☹️ |
It felt I had done enough, since I had proved to others and to myself that I was a decent writer. Its identity had been based on external validation all these days, and once it had gotten enough validation to sustain itself, it had stopped motivating me to write.
 |
| you traitor of an ego |
It wanted to transfer this creativity to some other field entirely. In a sense, my ego identified itself to be 'Jack of all trades, Master of none' - skilled to a certain extent in everything but not being extraordinary in anything.
I had come to a crossroads here.
Either go with what my ego said, shut down my blog, give up on my writing, start something new at which I would learn the basics, earn a medal or two and give up after I got used to the initial high of unexpectedly achieving.
Or break up with my ego and create a new identity for myself.
 |
| Yes indeed. |
After very less thinking, the path was clear for me. I broke up with my ego.
Now, whenever it tries to find its way back to me, I take it as a signal to push myself even further, learn more, get enlightened and spread my message as well as I can, until I identify myself with a higher self than that of my ego.
Ego loves comfort, predictability, stability and manifests itself as laziness and boredom. Breaking up with my ego has made me confront my fear of the unknown head on and emerge victorious.
I trust the Universe, my intuition and I know I am protected in whatever venture I take up. By this, I don't mean I am protected from being hurt or getting broken. By saying that I am protected, I mean I have a safe place where I can learn from my mistakes, heal my wounds and move on.
My ego lied to protect me and I refuse to live with lie anymore.
 |
| I don't have space for fear when I want to grow |
Cheers!