PARINAAMA

I know I can sing but what if I get a roasting? I know I can dance but what if I mess up my chance? I know I can write but what if it's not right? I know I can seize the stage  but what if I stutter and disengage? I know I can act but what if I can't make an impact? I know I can speak but what if I sound meek? I know I don't want to be like the rest but what if I am not the best? I know I can put up a fight but what if I fail downright? I know I want to be in my own skin but what if I don't fit in? I know I have a voice but what if nobody accepts my choice? I know I can soar high but what if nobody wants to see me fly? I know I have my own vibe but what if I never find my tribe? I know I can stay strong but tell me, just for how long?

Someone who respects you, treats you right,  unconditionally loves you,  who sees the beauty in your cracks,  heals you, nurtures you,  bears with your mistakes,  forgives you,  takes time-outs when the stress is too much  but doesn't break the bond,  who encourages you to be your best self,  is your biggest motivator & cheerleader,  celebrates your baby steps,  has your back when you stumble and fall,  never uses your insecurities against you,  never puts you down or beats you up never shames you for being yourself who never forces you to do anything who respects your privacy gives you the time and space you need,  expects nothing but to see you thrive  in doing what you love,  is always there to give you love and understanding  no matter how your day went or how your life is,  who has boundaries which you respect,  stops you before you burn yourself out,  acts like a sounding board ...

(I wrote this poem in December 2019 and I think it is a raw reflection of my thoughts then) Standing atop a tall and cold mountain Just watching your life pass by So many urgent things to do, but uncertain About your next step, you just sigh What is the point of living this meaningless life When you never get back what you give When people remember you only for your usefulness Never for your existence Frustration, aggression and hormones running high Wanting to do something to end the pain but feeling worn out, You cry Don’t let them in, don’t let them see Be that happy, dependable person that you’ve always forever been Conceal, don’t feel,  don’t let anyone know How could they know? That you’re depressed, that you’re worn out That you’re done with your fake façade That all you want is a fresh new start To be the authentic you But you cant Your imaginary fears gripping you tight Making you wonder what is wrong and right Will people accept you…will they approve When you show your tr...

I am one of those people who feel terrified to loosen up, let down my guard and simply put, to have fun.  I tend to see that word of "Having Fun" akin to "Being Unproductive" or "Being Purposeless" and I find it very difficult to even process the fact that having fun is healthy and in fact necessary.  Coming from a family of fabulous achievers, each of whom have achieved laurels and appreciation in whatever field they enjoyed and loved doing, I had set for myself a rather unhealthy standard of "Be the best in something or else you are nothing" (probably from which my harsh inner critic and perfectionist tendencies evolved).  I also evolved a very set attitude that whatever I do must have a purpose (sounds pretty good right? well actually it isn't). My definition of purpose was limited to "an action that evokes a favorable outcome" and I honestly don't know if this is the actual definition of purpose or if it must be perceived th...

The full moon - a beautiful, radiant sight to see for stargazers, a time of release for spiritual healers and practitioners and a source of wonder for most of mankind.  We see the bright full moon and also its dark counterpart the no moon or the new moon, in a continuous cycle. It signifies that even celestial objects are subject to change - then why can't we too, as stubborn as some of us can get at times, learn to accept change, releasing what was or what will be? Difficult it is, to release what was. What used to be perfect, is in a crumbled, dilapidated state now, of no use anymore, serving no purpose to us but putting us in a never ending cycle of what ifs and regrets. What if I hadn't reacted that way? What if I hadn't bought this? What if I had just kept mum and not have brought this toxic situation onto myself? Why was I so stupid to believe? How could I have been so naive to trust? Why me? and so on.. The only effective way to break free from this draining cycle of...

(best experienced with music👆) Malargal Kaettaen Vanamae Thanthanai Flowers I asked, A flowering garden you gave Thanneer Kaettaen Amirtham Thanthanai Water I asked, Nectar you gave Malargal Kaettaen Vanamae Thanthanai Flowers I asked, A flowering garden you gave Thanneer Kaettaen Amirtham Thanthanai Water I asked, Nectar you gave Yedhai naan kaetpin.... What should I ask then... ...Aaaahhhhhh....Aaaahhhhhhh... Y edhai naan kaetpin  unaiyae tharuvaai ....? What should I ask then, for you to give yourself (to me)....? Yedhai naan kaetpin unaiyae tharuvaai ....? What should I ask then, for you to give yourself (to me)....? Malargal Kaettaen Vanamae Thanthanai Flowers I asked, A flowering garden you gave Thanneer Kaettaen Amirtham Thanthanai Water I asked, Nectar you gave Malargal Kaettaen... Malargal Kaettaen.... Malargal Kaettaen... Malargal Kaettaen... Yedhai naan kaetpin unaiyae tharuvaai ....? What should I ask then, for you to give yourself (to me)....? Ga - Ga Ma Ga Ma - Ri Ma...

In the isolation period that is now the norm in this pandemic afflicted era, I asked myself question upon question about who I was, what my purpose was, why I had even chosen this lifetime to enter this planet, what was the reason behind my birth, why did I have to do some regretful actions, why did I have to go through some terrifying trauma, why, why, why? And all I got in the end, quite unsurprisingly, was a headache that refused to leave me, a mother and sister who requested me to pipe down in the quest of family history and an unquenchable curiosity that threatened to burn me. Temporarily quitting my rather unsatisfying journey that gave me more questions to ponder on the illogical answers I got, made me think something was wrong with me  for wanting those answers. Or was that the case...? As I idly went down memory lane, more to experience a feeling of nostalgia and hardly to start the 'Why?' game again, a beautiful epiphany popped up which blew my mind in its simplicity ...