Imagine a child, born innocent and naive, vulnerable and susceptible to any influence, wired subconsciously to mirror their parent and gain their approval and acceptance, to survive as a tribe.
The child laughs, cries, screams and has meltdowns as it explores its own self
The parent does what they think is best for their peace: Controlling the child's “unruliness” by alternatively begging and shouting at them or gratifying their desires just to keep them quiet. (Read: Not disciplining them)
The child paints on walls? It receives scoldings
The child breaks its feet? Scoldings
The child screams that it wants ice cream at a hotel? Scoldings
These kids are shown children of their own age who apparently have “model behavior” and they are asked by the frustrated nurturer: “Why can't you be like that kid! Why can't you shut up and stay put for sometime!”
What the parent means to say is: “Make life easier for me by suppressing yourself, because I cannot handle you”
For every behavior that helps the child discover their own individuality, if it does not conform to parent's approval and/or makes the parent feel frustrated, the parent shuts down the kid by saying "Please can you just shut up!" or “Why can't you be like that kid”
Of course the kid mimics their parent's excessive screaming and shouting, only to get more glares of annoyance and less acceptance.
The child subconsciously feels ashamed of its own identity for no fault of its own and decides unconsciously to quit discovering itself, to start suppressing its individuality and to copy the “cool kid” (the kid who has earned the parent's approval) in hopes of gaining acceptance from its own parents.
The result? Not surprisingly, a child who follows the mob or a leader.
Now you put this kid into a teenager environment and quite expectedly, they are desperate for any form of sort of external acceptance.
They are ready to do anything if it means they earn approval from their peers (i.e) they do the “in” thing: People pleasing, bunking classes, trash talking teachers, back stabbing friends, getting into superficial flings, drugs, bullying, disrespecting others, etc, of course while maintaining the “Model Kid” facade in front of their parents, because their greatest fear is the fear of rejection (by parent and by peers).
Made a mistake? Cover it up! Ensure nobody sees it! What if they point at me and make me feel shame!
At the same time, they struggle with deciding their identity quickly and are curious, inquisitive and impatient, which ends up in frustration, which blows up into outward rebellion with no healthy outcome and only the further straining of the relationship they have with themselves, their parents and their social circles.
And if they manage to survive this period, what do we throw at them? Adulthood! Yaay!
The place where you have all the responsibilities you don't know how to handle yet you need to keep up the “I got this, I'm in control” show, because what if others see through your falseness! Oh the shame!
Still searching for their identity, still having no clue of what to do.
And ending up as frustrated, snappy, dislikeable elderlies whose motto in life is to scream at little kids and be codependent.
Okay what if they have kids? Welcome to The Entitled Generation 2.0, the cycle repeats!
__________________________
The child laughs, cries, screams and has meltdowns as it explores its own self
The parent does what they think is best for their peace: Controlling the child's “unruliness” by alternatively begging and shouting at them or gratifying their desires just to keep them quiet. (Read: Not disciplining them)
The child paints on walls? It receives scoldings
The child breaks its feet? Scoldings
The child screams that it wants ice cream at a hotel? Scoldings
These kids are shown children of their own age who apparently have “model behavior” and they are asked by the frustrated nurturer: “Why can't you be like that kid! Why can't you shut up and stay put for sometime!”
What the parent means to say is: “Make life easier for me by suppressing yourself, because I cannot handle you”
For every behavior that helps the child discover their own individuality, if it does not conform to parent's approval and/or makes the parent feel frustrated, the parent shuts down the kid by saying "Please can you just shut up!" or “Why can't you be like that kid”
Of course the kid mimics their parent's excessive screaming and shouting, only to get more glares of annoyance and less acceptance.
The child subconsciously feels ashamed of its own identity for no fault of its own and decides unconsciously to quit discovering itself, to start suppressing its individuality and to copy the “cool kid” (the kid who has earned the parent's approval) in hopes of gaining acceptance from its own parents.
The result? Not surprisingly, a child who follows the mob or a leader.
- A child having no fixed, innate sense of right or wrong, because what the mob or the leader does or says should be right, right?
- A child who doesn't know how to respect or treat others in an acceptable manner.
- A child who is attracted to and can be easily swayed by people who establish their identity, treat them with respect (outwardly or truly) and have a firm mind, because the kids lack this firmness and respectful attitude in themselves and seek outwards for it in hopes of becoming the same.
- A kid with no sense of boundaries and limits neither with themselves nor with other people (not a nice place to be in!)
- And also, a child who does not understand the importance of or even the process of effective communication of their emotions, because hey! my momma and dadda begged me to shut up whenever i wanted to speak up and bought me whatever i wanted when i cried for it, so thats how i should behave.
- A child who thinks they have to fight selfishly and brutally to get what they want with no regard for others, because the world is out to get them.
- A child who seems matured on the outside and is feeling lost on the inside.
- A child who compulsively wants to control everyone and everything surrounding them because they feel lost and without control within.
- A child who, unfortunately, loses its identity.
Now you put this kid into a teenager environment and quite expectedly, they are desperate for any form of sort of external acceptance.
They are ready to do anything if it means they earn approval from their peers (i.e) they do the “in” thing: People pleasing, bunking classes, trash talking teachers, back stabbing friends, getting into superficial flings, drugs, bullying, disrespecting others, etc, of course while maintaining the “Model Kid” facade in front of their parents, because their greatest fear is the fear of rejection (by parent and by peers).
Made a mistake? Cover it up! Ensure nobody sees it! What if they point at me and make me feel shame!
At the same time, they struggle with deciding their identity quickly and are curious, inquisitive and impatient, which ends up in frustration, which blows up into outward rebellion with no healthy outcome and only the further straining of the relationship they have with themselves, their parents and their social circles.
And if they manage to survive this period, what do we throw at them? Adulthood! Yaay!
The place where you have all the responsibilities you don't know how to handle yet you need to keep up the “I got this, I'm in control” show, because what if others see through your falseness! Oh the shame!
Still searching for their identity, still having no clue of what to do.
And ending up as frustrated, snappy, dislikeable elderlies whose motto in life is to scream at little kids and be codependent.
Okay what if they have kids? Welcome to The Entitled Generation 2.0, the cycle repeats!
__________________________
How do we solve this?
How do we nurture our children to be, at least, not the above described persona?
Its quite simple : Let them BE.
- Allow them to explore themselves at a young, tender age (under your supervision of course)
- Allow them to ask questions, allow them to be curious, give them genuine answers or own up about what you don't know and learn with them
- Be a genuine example of who you want them to emulate.
- When they have meltdowns, sit with them, teach them to talk through their issues, help them identify the root cause of their issues, make them think of possible solutions, help them solve their problems, be there for them! (Sounds like too much of work for us right? No wonder we ask them to shut up, its easier that way!)
- Give your affection unconditionally.. love them for who they are right now (even when you feel like you have a screaming, vomiting, riotous volcano in your hands at times)
- Allow yourself to be vulnerable with them (and hence teach them to be vulnerable with you).
- Express your emotions in an effective way (and hence teach them how to express themselves effectively).
- Discipline them strictly and show them what's okay and what's not and reasonable reward them for desirable behavior and make them face the consequences of undesirable behavior.
Don't be afraid that your kid will turn into a Momma's Boy or Daddy's Girl if you do so, since Momma's boys and Daddy's girls are formed when parents spoil their kids, get them whatever they want instantaneously, restrain their kids from any form of hurt and swoop down to save them without giving them a chance to save themselves.
Every parent has their own unique way of parenting their kids. Just ensure that your style makes them find themselves (and not lose themselves).
Be a mirror for their identity and a compass for their morals.
Thank you for reading and staying till the end!
