This is the third part in a 6 part fictional story series.
Everything in this story is purely imaginary with inspirations from real life.
Any resemblance to any person or occasion in real life is completely coincidental.
3. Flashbacks
Miraa pondered if she ever could give up on her anger on Vasuki and what he had done. Letting go of anger, to her, seemed to be like taking off the label of the bad guy from him. Which she couldn't. She felt she had to hold on to her anger, it was the only thing that seemed to validate her feeling of angst, shame and disgust at what had happened to her. It was the only thing that allowed her to think of him as the bad guy.
Vasuki had been such a charmer and one part of Miraa's heart still yearned to listen to his charming words that melted her. Her anger, it seemed, was the one way in which she could safeguard herself from his charm. She was still scared she would fall for him if she ever let go of what had happened and then happened to meet him.
It had become second nature for her to nod her head to whatever he asked her to do, no matter how much she hated doing it. It was so easy for her to do what he commanded her to do, wasn't that how she had been taught to be? To forever avoid conflicts, to forever feel terrified of conflicts, to forever do whatever it took to maintain the peace between herself and others.
Her anxiety played with her mind, painting pictures of how she would swoon at Vasuki's apologies if he ever made them to her, how her spineless, people pleasing nature would immediately make her nod her head at anything asked from her.
She realised, at long last, that it was this peace keeping nature of hers that had brought her into this mess and that the anger was just a reason for her to avoid her primary instincts. She had tried to grow a backbone, she was still learning to have proper boundaries and she was grateful for her progress.
But things were different,
a few years ago....
At that time, her primal fear of being alone to face her own self, pushed her to be with people who were not good for her. No matter how toxic the relationship, it gave her a sense of identity, a sense of worth and helped her evade her innermost core thought that she was an unlovable, disgusting, shame-worthy person who was never enough for anyone.
Vasuki made it so much more easier for her to submit than to resist him. He would order around Miraa, telling her what to do and that was exactly how she had grown up to think of herself - that she was useless on her own, that she needed someone to give her directions, that she always needed external validation, that she could never do anything properly on her own. She yearned for someone to give her direction and purpose, afraid to be that person for herself since she hated her spineless character.
Coupling that with a person who assured her that she would be handed everything she had dreamed of and yearned for since her childhood, including unconditional love, huge respect, consistent care & nurturing, fame and fortune as his wife if she only admitted that she loved him and agreed to marry him, all of which made her want to jump into a relationship with him, though her intuition had screamed at her to get away from him, the reason for which she couldn't put her finger on, at least in the beginning.
Vasuki had seemed to be the one stop solution for her self hatred and in the start, he had been such a dreamily romantic, respectful and caring person. He had pursued her, a feeling that Miraa loved, he had made her feel like the center of his universe, something Miraa had yearned for her entire life and he had peppered her with attention and romantic gestures.
Miraa kept convincing herself that he was The One for her, though her gut instinct screamed at her to run away from him. She too, felt an attraction towards him as the pursuing went on, falling in love with the way he seemed to love her, feeling it to be but the right thing to do in return for his advances. But more than the attraction, it was the fear that she might never get a person like him, that made her spend all her time with him. She slowly alienated herself from her friends (most of whom Vasuki didn't like and had asked her to stop talking to) and ended up making him the center of her attention, though one part of her still wanted to get her away from him.
This part of her would take over her thinking at those rare moments when she was not talking to Vasuki.
It would paint pictures of how dangerous it was to be in a relationship, how he was not the right person for her, how she had to get away from him. And at these times, Miraa would subconsciously nod her head at what her intuition told her. Yes she felt a constant sense of anxiety when she was with him, a constant feeling of dread that screamed at her to break up with him and get away from him.
Being a spineless person, she avoided conflicts like the plague, but the inner voice soon started roaring as much as she tried to mute it and so, she tried, many times, to bring up the topic of ending things.
Vasuki seemed innocently surprised at those times, asking her if she expected him to do something more to keep her fulfilled in the relationship, but Miraa had no reason to blame him, since he seemed to be doing things perfectly. She only managed to persist with the reason that it was her gut feeling that told her to end things. Vasuki had argued many times, trying to convince her that it was her anxiety and not a gut feeling, but Miraa persisted, till one fine day when Vasuki had agreed to end things for apparently her happiness. His remainder of what she would be missing out on if she ended the relationship didn't much help her, yet things finally seemed to end.
Quite unsurprisingly, Miraa could not tolerate Vasuki's absence and felt lonely, since she had ignored all her friends and felt ashamed of what she had done and afraid of being rejected if she went back to them. Having never told any of her friends that she was in a relationship, she was also feeling ashamed to own up to anyone that she had ended it for a silly reason that "it didn't feel right". Her fear of being alone, of being abandoned and most of all, her fear of never finding the love that Vasuki had given her, drove her back to him, begging him to take her back, promising that she would never try to end things over such silly reasons again. Vasuki seemed to have been expecting her return, since he happily accepted her and assured her that he would never leave her.
Mentally slapping herself for getting back with him and resenting herself for being so weak and spineless, Miraa racked her brains on how she could again get away from him. True, she did like him and had actually started loving him, but that dreaded internal voice haunted her, telling her again and again to run away.
She could no longer bring up the topic of "doesn't feel right", since now Vasuki would hold on even more firmly, thinking it to be her anxiety. Feeling at a loss, she submitted to her fate, as she always would, forever giving up on things she felt she had no control over. Miraa tried to convince herself that it wouldn't be so bad after all, since he was such a sweetheart and she felt she didn't deserve such a love. As for the internal voice, well she could learn to suppress it, as she had learnt to supress her feelings of self loathing, hatred and resentment.
Around this time, Vasuki brought up the topic of her past. They had never discussed her past, so immersed were they in making each other happy. He had told about his, how he had been previously proposed to by a girl whom he didn't feel the same towards, how he had advised her to stop her advances and how she had stopped her pursuit. He even had screenshots of their chats and pictures of the girl, which Miraa saw and couldn't believe had been rejected. That girl seemed to fit into the bill of who Vasuki desired - a homely, traditional and womanly person who didn't like modern lifestyles.
But Miraa had believed him then, finding it easier to believe in his version rather than her immediate doubts of why he still had these chats and pictures of that person, even after her ending her pursuit.
As Vasuki pestered Miraa to tell the details of her past if she had one, she got a wonderful brainwave. What if she painted such a horrible picture of herself that he would feel disgusted at her past and dump her? The idea thrilled Miraa, as now it would be he who would dump her and she could escape.
So she did. She knew enough about Vasuki now to understand what would push his buttons and so, she painted a very wrong portrait of herself. She would tell him how horrible a person she had been, how she had done all the things that a girl brought up in a "good" family should not, how she would seek pleasure in doing these things and what a male attention seeking Casanova she had been. She had even gone to the extent of lying through her teeth that she was extremely intolerant if her lustful actions were turned down by other men, and that she had sometimes even hurt herself physically in a very cruel way in order to punish herself. In short, she ensured that she described her past to Vasuki in such a manner that he would come to the conclusion that she was an extremely unethical girl, one who would never fit him, and one who did not deserve him.
In reality, Miraa had never done any of these things apart from the occasionally seeing pictures of men with abs in google images, but she built up on these falsities, kept on affirming her trashy past whenever Vasuki had begged her to tell truthfully if she had indeed done all this, telling her how much of the trust he had on her had been broken, confiding his fear that he might break up with her soon.
Miraa kept on adding details to her story in an attempt to intensify his thoughts and was altogether happily rejoicing the impending break up.
The thing was, it never came.
One day, when they were having a good time in a secluded spot, Vasuki had suddenly grabbed her forcefully, pushed her to the wall, disrobed her, and had forced himself on her.
Miraa had resisted, fought, cried till she had no more strength but to submit to him.
When he was done with his act, Vasuki smiled confidently, saying the words that would ring in her ears for years to come: "From now on, nothing you say can separate me from you...... and I will have no other choice but to be with you"
From that day on, Vasuki revealed his dark side.
He made Miraa repeat her story of her past, this time in painstaking detail, slapping her when he found any inconsistency in her story, thinking she had hidden something from him. For every apparent sin she had committed, Vasuki slapped her with all the force he could muster, calling her a floozy, shaming her for what she had done. Once, Miraa had asked him why she had been slapped for watching explicit videos, since he too had done it in his past. He replied that 'if men do it, its expected.... if a woman does it, its a shame on her character and family'. At another time, Miraa demanded why he still had his past lover's pictures and chat screenshots in his phone, to which he defensively said that 'It was your duty to delete it from my phone and to prevent me from thinking about her'.
She slowly realised his true colours, understanding him to be a male chauvinist masquerading as a feminist, who judged the entire world, thinking himself to be perfect, whose moods varied depending on whether or not Miraa was acting according to his expectations. The physical and sexual abuse continued at a regular pace, with Miraa beginning to have suicidal thoughts, finding no other way to escape the grave she had dug for herself. She felt like she deserved to be punished, and in an attempt to please Vasuki, she would ask him to slap her, to which Vasuki would slap her again, telling her he knew how to deal with his lover.
Most places drew a blank for Miraa as she attempted to recall the abuse that had happened or the events that took place later on.
All she remembered was a series of events where Vasuki would decide to take her to a deserted spot, where he would at first behave as though they were there to have a good time and would then unexpectedly slap, punch and abuse Miraa for her past and end up apologising for his behaviour to her, asking her to forgive him.
Miraa had broken down one day, not being able to keep up with her own lies, and confessed to Vasuki that she had never done any of those things she had mentioned, which only enraged him even more, making him question his own reality and finally making him even more firm in his conviction that she could not be left alone to her own devices, imagining her to be a child that didn't know how to behave when. This confession had only intensified his abusive nature towards her and caused Miraa distressful nightmares.
Miraa had long ago given up the wish of separating from him, thinking there to be no way out. Some days her bodily impulses made her agree to what Vasuki would do to her and make her ask for more. Other days, she would just be a toy in his hands. Most days, she had no idea what was happening.
Some times Vasuki would leave her after he was done using her and would return a few days later unexpectedly, to see if Miraa was grieving his absence or had moved on with her life and scold and slap her if she showed any sign of happiness without him.
This went on and on in a tiring, repetitive cycle but had suddenly ended one day.
How it had all ended, Miraa had no clue. After a long absence of Vasuki, she had moved on with her life, thinking he would never come back. But he did. He saw how Miraa was living peacefully without him and it had pushed him over the edge, making him stalk her relentlessly to the point where he entered her classroom and forcefully asked her to come with him. Miraa had refused, to which Vasuki had grabbed her cell phone and taken it away. Feeling helpless as always and feeling ashamed to confide in her classmates and ask them for help at least then, Miraa had followed Vasuki to an isolated spot, demanding her phone. In one swift move, Vasuki slapped her senseless, pushed her on the floor and sexually assaulted her, silencing her screams with more slaps.
That was the last straw for Miraa.
She screamed at him every chance she got, asking him to stop, to which Vasuki replied that 'he was her partner and could do whatever he wanted to her'. Shocked, Miraa was furious. A source of unknown strength raged through every cell in her body and with all her strength, she screamed at him at a high pitch, shocking him numb, and before he could recover, she ran away from there, running to her class, grabbing her belongings, booking a cab and fleeing to her home.
She had been on the run ever since and hoped against hope that he would never get to her again.
Thankfully, the pandemic had struck just then, and she happily stayed cooped up in her home, not daring to step outside.
As these memories washed over her, Miraa came back to the present, sent a prayer of gratitude to every god she knew for the pandemic. She didn't like who she had been then, she knew she had to change, but for now, she was finally at peace, having acknowledged her part in her past.
She reflected on why she had felt such an attachment to Vasuki, despite his inhuman treatment of her.
He had given her inconsistent validation, sky high expectations that were unattainable, mocked her for her failures, used her insecurities against her, consoled her after he was done abusing, scolding and shouting at her, always gave her instructions on how she should behave and had put her down whenever she attempted to assert herself.
Miraa suddenly recalled that most of these experiences weren't new to her.
Only the physical and sexual abuse was new, but not the other parts, which mirrored most of her childhood and adolescence.
She exhaled slowly as she realised that Vasuki was a replica of her now-estranged father.
