Hello Readers!
It's been a while since I showed up here (2 months to be exact) and its with good reason too - I was trying to settle into my new life here, at my PG.
I say trying because I'm not sure if I've settled or will ever settle at all, or maybe by the time I settle, I'll have my graduation certificate. (Actually not kidding).
This new spot, this new ambience, this new style of living, screams independence. And as the great nobody ever said, (nobody is ever credited for saying this, but its something everyone says) - With a good deal of independence comes a great deal of responsibility.
I thought I was ready to handle this. I really did. Surely, practicing sleeping alone, washing my clothes by hand, eating whatever was put on my plate would have been enough for a basic foundation 101 on how to take care of yourself living alone, right?
Wrong. It wasn't. I felt sheepish even writing that sentence, thinking how naïve I was in assuming these should be enough for managing myself in a whole new city.
As it turned out, the stuff I prepared for, didn't require preparation. The stuff I didn't prepare for, needed loads of willpower to even withstand, let alone manage. To call this experience an assault on all senses would be an understatement.
Within the first few days of joining, I was absolutely overwhelmed. I felt that I was not up to the mark in comparison to my peers. Every single thing taught was either new or expected by us to have a basic understanding of (from high school (!!)). Lecture classes were meant for discussing concepts - meaning I had to at least come with an idea of the new concept, before it was formally introduced in the class, in order to not have the lecture go above and beyond my head.
Then we had the ultimate ever pressure test packed week - the committee selections (story for another day). In short, a very memorable week that tested me to all my physical, emotional and mental limits.
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| Just kidding :p |
On top of this, navigating the concept of making new friends among people from diverse backgrounds, working with entirely new people in a team on short notice, facing humongous peer pressure and desperately trying to perform well (my class has the smartest brains of this country), managing and budgeting my finances, keeping track of every single transaction I made since I could no longer blissfully and ignorantly expect my parents to do that for me, took its toll as well.
Reality stood intimidatingly in front of me, smirking.
Was this what I had dreamed of for almost a year? This chaotic lifestyle?
This grind where I always seemed to end up feeling burnt out at the end of the day?
This hectic madness that never seemed to leave me any time for myself?
I contemplated on these thoughts as I cycled to my dinner, narrowly avoiding a few monkeys (great escape!).
Even as I cycled, I realized my speed was slow compared to the other fellow cyclists, probably because I was cycling after spending years and months comfortably cocooned in my couch.
But ultimately, we all went to the same place for dinner, and I would always end up finishing my meals before any others did.
This was my A-Ha moment.
I couldn't cycle as fast as my friends, but my friends couldn't eat as fast as me.
Wasn't it utter foolishness to measure myself in a biased metric with a biased sample space? (Learnt this jargon from my Statistics class :P)
How was the sample space biased? Because it never had or will have people with equal capabilities or same mindsets.
The mix of students I have in my course are so rich in diversity that it becomes pointless to compare myself with them.
The only person I can compare myself with, the only person who actually is part of a non biased sample, is me!
Having me as my competition, having past me as my standard and working towards building an improved future me, is all that works logically and is in fact all that matters in the end.
Let's face it, what use is it comparing how well my apple tree is growing to how well your orange tree is growing, simply based on the fact that we have been given the same soil to grow our trees on? It isn't logical, is it?
Nor is it logical to ask why everyone cannot grow a cashew tree just because it gives the best perceived return on investment. We all wish to grow something that we truly want on our given land, and it doesn't necessarily have to be in tune with what others consider best.
Now, applying the same theory in this context, despite having the same class, we students have different goals and we will work accordingly in relation to those goals! Some of us may even want to use these years to explore various different directions to see which suits us best.
Distinguished by individual goals, united by one course. How lovely!
This train of thought helped me understand that my overwhelm was mostly caused by FOMO - Fear of Missing Out and Peer Pressure - Fear of not being conventional.
I sighed out of huge relief when I got to the root cause of my worries and I let go of them.
Now, does this amazing epiphany ensure I don't ever succumb to peer pressure or FOMO again? Absolutely not. I'm not a saint (yet).
But now, with this realization, I can differentiate if I'm doing an action oriented towards my betterment or an action influenced by fear, and with this differentiation, I can steer my course to better waters, in spite of storms.
And yes, I have in fact manifested my dream life, but I had to outgrow some narrow mindsets, to reap the benefits of my independence and enjoy it, instead of running away from it.
These past few weeks have been a rollercoaster of their own virtue, with surprises and shocks.
I'm glad I put myself through this. I wouldn't change a thing about it.
If someone had ever told me, a fresher who had zero understanding of business jargon, that I would end up presenting policies that come under Corporate Governance within a week of joining the course, I would have told them they had come to the wrong person.
If someone had told me that I, a gawky introvert, had the ability to get along with others while being my authentic self, I would have told them to dream somewhere else.
If someone had told me that I wouldn't go running for my mother for every tiny to major inconvenience, I wouldn't have believed them.
Yet here I am, unbelievably, a much better person within weeks.
I'm thankful I realized my dreams and I'm even more grateful for the reality check.
Cheers to more knockouts by life that help me shed layers that aren't useful to me anymore.
Yours Independently
Parinaama