The Art Of Acceptance

" Acceptance, in human psychology, is a person's assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it or protest it. " - Wikipedia

Hello Wanderers... an august April to you (pun intended :P)!

 

March has been a month of earning too many brain wrinkles (which appear when one attempts to learn or apply something new), academically, spiritually and emotionally for me.

And here I am to share my insights on the art of acceptance (which would have made March so much more simpler for me). 
What does acceptance have to do with brain wrinkles? You'll be able to answer this question by the end of this article.
Now, before I start, let's get the basics straight.
 
We lovely hoomans, with our amazing brain capacity and fantastic ability to analyze, create and predict, sadly tend to falter in one area where all other species seamlessly succeed - ACCEPTANCE.
 
Having evolved with the sixth sense ( not common sense, which is actually something that most of the world lacks ), yes we do, to an extent, have the ability to bend our environment to our needs, wants and comforts - that's how you're having the clothes you're wearing while eating the Maggi noodles made by an Indian company while sitting in America. 
 
But, this ability comes at a rather heavy price - the loss or rather the seeming unnecessity of being in a state of acceptance, because why would you accept an uncomfortable situation when you've been designed to do something to change it to make it more comfortable?
 
Alas, this is where our frustration stems from.

Being unable to change a particular uncomfortable situation signals our brain that we are unable to make the environment comfortable to our needs and hence triggers a very basic instinct - to get away from it.

Now of course this would have been the best idea if you were being stalked by a very carnivorous predator or if the tree you had settled in had started rotting.

 

But it certainly does not apply to an overwhelming load of homework, a dreadfully close deadline or a confrontation with someone which you know is not gonna be comfortable.

 

And now, before we look at how to deal with uncomfortable situations, let's delve into a rather fundamental precursor to the process - how to deal with EMOTIONS that arise due to the various situations that happen around us. Two of the possible ways available for dealing with emotions are:

1. FEELING the emotion

2. BELIEVING the emotion 

Let me give you the difference between them. 

 

Feeling emotions is just that - noticing & being aware of the feeling.

 

Believing emotions is a dangerous path because then, you would choose to believe the story that the mind creates about that emotion, which is usually nowhere near the truth.

 

For e.g:

 

Say there is 1 last slice of pizza left and there are 2 people. One is you, the other is your friend. Your friend dives in for the last slice and comfortably burps after finishing it off.

At this juncture, you feel sad, frustrated and angry.

Sad because you wanted that slice but couldn't get it since your friend selfishly ate it, frustrated because you expected your friend to leave the slice for you and angry because you had paid for the pizza, how dare they finish it.

 

PAUSE.

 

Rethink the scenario.

 

You FEEL sad, frustrated and angry - the feelings are totally valid.

 

BUT are the stories following the feelings TRUE?

 

Most Importantly, DO THOSE STORIES EMPOWER YOU?

 

Let me save you the trouble of thinking and frankly tell you, NOPE.

 

These stories do not empower you

 

These stories victimize you by taking away your power and giving it to the environment/situation/opposite person.

 

Now, of course there are situations, people and environments that will definitely make us feel hopeless and powerless and I do not mean to stuff any "positive vibes only" trash down your throat, because we cannot, at least for that particular moment, force ourselves to feel positive about the situation.

 

It is in these situations that we have a choice:

 

Either FEEL the emotion of helplessness, release it by crying or punching a pillow, clearing our mind and heart, gather strength, try to find a practical solution and MOVE ON

(or)

BELIEVE the false story that tells us we are powerless, wallow in it, drown in self pity, make ourselves weak and never move on. 

So let's revisit Pizza:

 

"There is 1 last slice of pizza left and there are 2 people. One is you, the other is your friend. Your friend dives in for the last slice and comfortably burps after finishing it off. At this juncture, you feel sad, frustrated and angry.

You notice the emotions, breathe deep, and tell your friend calmly, 'I wanted that slice'.

Your friend responds in surprise and asks, 'Why didn't you say so!?' and both of you learn a mutual lesson -

1. To be Assertive &

2. To Ask before Eating "

 

This is what happens when you feel the emotion instead of believing it; You tend to resolve the situation calmly.

 

So now that we've understood how to deal with our emotions, I humbly present to you how I have learned to tackle these kinds of seemingly inescapable sticky situations

 

1. Cry it out

 

I cried. Curled my eyes up and cried. Bawled my heart out and cried. Of course in private. 

 

Crying is a mechanism to let out all that chemical build up due to the stress felt by the brain and hence released by the body.

It is healthy to cry for the intention of crying, feeling and releasing those emotions. 

 

If you cry for the intention of creating drama, then you need some serious medical assistance.

 

So I gave myself time to cry, to be precise, 5 minutes and 55 seconds ( I had a timer ).

 

And the thing with timers is, it shows you exactly how long it takes for a second to pass

This helps you shift your perception of time
And makes you realise how much time you actually have
And gives you faith, strength, courage and belief that all is not lost.

 

I speak for most of us when I say that we have been conditioned to suppress grief and other "negative" emotions to such an extent that we run away from them out of fear, thinking we will be sucked into their vortex forever.

And that is where having a timer surprises us and reconditions us into thinking that no feeling, no matter how intense, is going to last forever (mine usually don't even reach the 2 minute mark).

 

And, it gives us such a feeling of empowerment, when we realise that we are above our feelings.

We carry emotions;

emotions do not carry us.

It is with this realization and this tiny habit of crying it out for a set time that gradually helps you learn to separate your emotions from yourself, to the ultimate swag point of you not being swayed by your own emotions - how cool is that!

 

And here's where our understanding of our emotions comes into play!
 
FEELING the emotion comes naturally when you are ACCEPTING the reality of the situation - you see it for what it is.
 
BELIEVING the emotion comes naturally when you are RESISTING reality - you force yourself to see it for what you want it to be.
 
Resisting Reality is foolish.
 
Accepting Reality is practical.
 
Crying to feel and release the emotion is the baby step towards accepting reality, people, situations as they are instead of trying to morph them into what we want them to be.

I don't deny the power of receiving emotional support from a friend or loved one. If you feel you can express your tears to a non-judgmental friend, go for it.
However, this process, with consistent practice, will help you become self reliant with respect to feeling emotions and hence will help you navigate them much more smoothly, no matter if you are with or without support.
 
P.S - The next time you see someone cry, don't call them weak. 
The strongest warriors gain strength at their time of need by crying.
 
2. Breathe

 

After my 5.55 session of crying, I breathe.

Deeply. Like I mean it. From my belly.

Belly Breathing stimulates the vagus nerve (the longest nerve in the human body responsible for controlling many things including your heart beat) and brings the body back to normalcy, hence bringing the mind back to equilibrium.

 

And also if you have noticed, deep belly breathing naturally follows after you've cried your heart out.

 

Belly breathing is our natural state of being (look at babies)

Shallow breathing is when we are in a state of fear or stress.

The quickest way to bring back normalcy is by belly breathing with the belief that you are safe.

It doesn't mean you suppress the emotion or run away from it.

It just means you simultaneously take deep breaths and give yourself the space to feel that feeling, tell yourself "This is going to pass soon" while sitting with yourself non-judgmentally, without fear of the emotion that arises, without focusing on anything else but your breathing.

 

3. See Without Filters

 

Now after I've felt the emotion and calmed my body and mind, I see the person or the situation as it is, no matter how ugly or nasty it seems to be.

I see reality without filters that usually follow if I had believed the emotion.

I see reality as it is, without trying to change it.

I stay present.

 

And this is honestly easy and simple enough once you've felt the emotion and calmed down.

 

4. Analyze Possible Ways Out

This sounds so opposite to how I started off this article, but bear with me and hear me out.

Once I see reality for what it is, I try to see (from a 3rd person angle) ways out of the situation or ways in which I can face or handle it. 

 

And most of the time (mic drop), I end up doing "nothing" but trusting that everything will fall in place for I would have understood that nothing else can be done. 

 

Sure if I feel a phone call or a text message or an explanation from my end would help, I'll do it, but beyond that, there is no point in me putting out my energy into the situation ; I would rather put it back into me to improve myself by learning from the challenge and try to ensure I don't land up in a similar situation again.

 

And for the current situation, if there is no other way out than through, I'll go through it, face the consequences and come out shaken but unscathed with the confidence that I won't be facing the exact same scenario ever again.

the end.

Just kidding, of course I'm gonna tie it all up :)

So on the whole, the art of acceptance is the art of not resisting reality.

 

It is our natural state of being.

 

And to get to this natural state, we need to have a clear understanding of our own emotions and the nature of the situation that prevails around us.

For when these two are realized, we can easily employ the method of releasing and feeling the emotions, calming down after that and analyzing the situation from a third person's point of view in order to come up with practically feasible solutions that can help us get through the situation and reach our destination - Our very own natural state of acceptance!!!

 

Why did we detour from this natural state? That I know not.

 

I can only tell you how peaceful it is to be here.

To return home, you don't need to question why you lost your way to it in the first place; you only need to feel grateful you've found your way back :)

 

This is how I found my way back to peace.

 

We hope it helps you find yours too!

Cheers!