As I type this article, the calendar shows today’s date to be the 30th of December…..of 2020.
I sit still, in contemplation, thinking how this year has dragged on and has yet flown by so quickly, just like a normal year usually does.
But we know very well that this year was not normal for us.
Dalgona Coffee, Banana Bread, Only Netflix and No Chill, Isolation, Quarantine, Shelter-From-Home, Lockdown, Last-time-This-Year-Travel posts and so many other unimaginable things became the cliché for 2020, the year which was the scapegoat that accepted (without a choice), the entire blame for ruining literally everything for almost everyone.
Lost your job? Blame 2020
Lost your dog? Blame 2020
Lost your mind? Blame 2020
Lost your keys? Blame 2020
(just kidding - blame someone else who you expected to remind you to keep your keys safe)
And I definitely agree that, jokes apart, this year has taken a toll on all of us, in a very dark, dreary way.
But we know very well that this year was not normal for us.
Dalgona Coffee, Banana Bread, Only Netflix and No Chill, Isolation, Quarantine, Shelter-From-Home, Lockdown, Last-time-This-Year-Travel posts and so many other unimaginable things became the cliché for 2020, the year which was the scapegoat that accepted (without a choice), the entire blame for ruining literally everything for almost everyone.
Lost your job? Blame 2020
Lost your dog? Blame 2020
Lost your mind? Blame 2020
Lost your keys? Blame 2020
(just kidding - blame someone else who you expected to remind you to keep your keys safe)
And I definitely agree that, jokes apart, this year has taken a toll on all of us, in a very dark, dreary way.
Uncertainty being a new feeling, makes our mind trigger all the stress hormones at its disposal to make us hypervigilant, hyper-alert and hyper drained when the stress is unmanaged and extended for long periods of time without a break, IF we live under the illusion of control and the delusion that we need to completely control our lives.
Now of course we do have some degree of control over our lives, that degree being how we respond and react to the situations and people we face and how we deal with the consequences of our actions.
However, what we have no control over, is on anything and everything beyond and apart from us.
Find this hard to believe?
Try sleeping in a bed having a protective net over it and into which a few tiny mosquitoes or bugs manage to enter; it’ll make you realise how little control you have over other insects, let alone other people.
Sure you can close your ears to avoid listening to the annoying buzzing sound.
Now of course we do have some degree of control over our lives, that degree being how we respond and react to the situations and people we face and how we deal with the consequences of our actions.
However, what we have no control over, is on anything and everything beyond and apart from us.
Find this hard to believe?
Try sleeping in a bed having a protective net over it and into which a few tiny mosquitoes or bugs manage to enter; it’ll make you realise how little control you have over other insects, let alone other people.
Sure you can close your ears to avoid listening to the annoying buzzing sound.
Or flap your hands around aimlessly in an attempt to swat those mosquitos (which are very adept at evading our butterfingers)
And what do you end up losing?
YOUR peace of mind and YOUR sleep.
The mosquito?
It is living its life in the present moment with no worry about the next moment (which might be its last!) and doing its duty by feeding on its host’s blood.
Raja Rangooski the Mosquito (Enthiran reference anyone?) has certainly mastered and is embodying the art of being present in the now.
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| Master Rangooski |
Rangooski -1 l Robot - 0
Assuming we have a sleepless night and wake up grumpy, what will we do the next day?
We can complain to others of what a horrible night it was for absolutely no fault of ours (really?) and put the entire blame on the insects (poor Rangooski)
We can victimise ourselves by saying “I didn’t know the bug was in there! Not my fault! Why did it choose me? Why me? Why not my roommate who deserves it more than me because he disturbs me every night with his loud snoring? Why not my neighbors who do not abide by the law and park their vehicles in the No Parking zones?” etc etc.
We can blame ourselves by saying “I should have known the mosquito was in there. I should have ensured the bed was safe. I should have applied the repellant a lot more. I should have sprayed myself with the entire bottle of neem water. I shouldn’t have eaten bananas. I should have chosen a different room. I shouldn’t have stayed in a house infested by bugs” etc etc etc.
And this is the usual route we go. The extremes.
One side involves blaming everything and everyone except us.
Another side involves blaming us & us alone (which is a passive form of self-victimisation).
Both indicate that we perceive ourselves to have no control over our lives (not true).
This is known as black and white thinking.
But if life was black and white,
who would want to live it?
Life is not black and white or even gray - it's colorful!
When do we get to see its colors?
When we remove the black and white filter.
When do we remove the black and white filter?
When we stop or restrict self-pity & self-victimization.
When do we stop self-victimisation?
When we realise we have power over ourselves and our lives.
When do we realise we have power?
When we:
1) Acknowledge the role we played in the situation,
2) Understand that we alone were not responsible for the entire situation
3) Take responsibility to learn from it
a) by understanding why it happened,
b) by reflecting on which led to what,
c) by realizing the consequence of that choice of the past
d) by trying to choose differently to have different consequences in the future.
4) Remember to use the open word “could” instead of the restricting word “should have”.
5) Apologize to ourselves ( and to others if needed ) for making the past choice, grieving it (if needed), forgiving ourselves (most crucial), giving ourselves another chance & moving on from the situation.
All the while having a non-judgmental, compassionate and gentle approach towards ourselves.
With this in mind, let’s revisit the morning after the Rangooski Night.
You wake up, tired and grumpy. Rangooski the Mosquito and its accomplices have ravaged your body by biting every bit of exposed skin. You feel frustrated, irritated and itchy all over. You swear under your breath, throwing every verbal assault you can towards those insects and their entire species. You open your phone to distract yourself and see this article in your feed. You read through it, feel roused and tell yourself “Who is this writer to call me a victim? Me? Victim? I’ll show them!” and you proceed to follow the process of gentle reflection, your motivation being to prove the writer wrong and to prove to yourself that you aren’t a victim.
You think to yourself “What role did I play in this situation & how can I choose better? (Is a mosquito bite a situation? Well okay let’s try)”
“I didn’t check if the bed was safe, I couldn’t use the lights due to the power cut.”
- “I could use my flashlight or my phone tonight”
“I didn’t use a big enough blanket to cover me.”
- “I could buy a bigger one today”
“I didn’t think of ear plugs or mufflers or a towel to cover my ears from the sound.”
- “I could try it today”
“I didn’t use enough repellent cream since I don’t like its smell.”
- “I could buy a better one today”
“I couldn’t accept that I was bitten by a mosquito - but that is its nature. I can’t expect it to change.”
- “However, I did sleep near the window and hence was open to bugs. I could ask my roomie and discuss if we could switch beds today and bargain it by saying that his snoring won’t be as loud if he slept near the window”
Satisfied with this, you move on to the next.
“Now what can I learn from last night? That mosquitoes are invincible?”, you laugh at your own decent joke.
“The nature of a mosquito is to bite. I cannot expect it to act differently with me.”
- “I can and I will respond differently by at the most protecting myself better.”
“When I’m letting it go ahead with its pesky bites while I continue to half-heartedly swat it, I wake up the next day to itches & I end up being affected by trying to control its behavior towards me even though I never changed my behavior towards it.”
- “I can start putting my peace of mind at number 1 by taking necessary precautions and stop stressing over this tiny bug”
You look pleasantly surprised at yourself..”Not a bad set of realisations …. Wow maybe we can also become philosophers”
“Oh the last step - alright. I am sorry to myself for making me lose my sleep and my peace of mind last night due to my inability to control the bug. I’ll be a better person to me today by accepting I can’t control the bug”
And you realise it's almost late for work, throw down the phone and rush to brush your teeth.
__________________________________
Thank you reader for bearing with me up to this point and I stop my intentional digress here.
If anything, I’m sure the name “Rangooski” would have remained stuck in your mind and I’m glad it has.
Consider Rangooski to be 2020.
Now replay the entire situation (I can hear a few groan “not again!!”- but I promise it’ll be worth it )
Could you control the loss of your job, even if you had been an exceptional worker? No.
Could you control the order of quarantine, even if you had pre-booked tickets and now have to cancel them and hopefully get a refund? No
Could you control the self isolation?
Life is not black and white or even gray - it's colorful!
When do we get to see its colors?
When we remove the black and white filter.
When do we remove the black and white filter?
When we stop or restrict self-pity & self-victimization.
When do we stop self-victimisation?
When we realise we have power over ourselves and our lives.
When do we realise we have power?
When we:
1) Acknowledge the role we played in the situation,
2) Understand that we alone were not responsible for the entire situation
3) Take responsibility to learn from it
a) by understanding why it happened,
b) by reflecting on which led to what,
c) by realizing the consequence of that choice of the past
d) by trying to choose differently to have different consequences in the future.
4) Remember to use the open word “could” instead of the restricting word “should have”.
5) Apologize to ourselves ( and to others if needed ) for making the past choice, grieving it (if needed), forgiving ourselves (most crucial), giving ourselves another chance & moving on from the situation.
All the while having a non-judgmental, compassionate and gentle approach towards ourselves.
With this in mind, let’s revisit the morning after the Rangooski Night.
You wake up, tired and grumpy. Rangooski the Mosquito and its accomplices have ravaged your body by biting every bit of exposed skin. You feel frustrated, irritated and itchy all over. You swear under your breath, throwing every verbal assault you can towards those insects and their entire species. You open your phone to distract yourself and see this article in your feed. You read through it, feel roused and tell yourself “Who is this writer to call me a victim? Me? Victim? I’ll show them!” and you proceed to follow the process of gentle reflection, your motivation being to prove the writer wrong and to prove to yourself that you aren’t a victim.
You think to yourself “What role did I play in this situation & how can I choose better? (Is a mosquito bite a situation? Well okay let’s try)”
“I didn’t check if the bed was safe, I couldn’t use the lights due to the power cut.”
- “I could use my flashlight or my phone tonight”
“I didn’t use a big enough blanket to cover me.”
- “I could buy a bigger one today”
“I didn’t think of ear plugs or mufflers or a towel to cover my ears from the sound.”
- “I could try it today”
“I didn’t use enough repellent cream since I don’t like its smell.”
- “I could buy a better one today”
“I couldn’t accept that I was bitten by a mosquito - but that is its nature. I can’t expect it to change.”
- “However, I did sleep near the window and hence was open to bugs. I could ask my roomie and discuss if we could switch beds today and bargain it by saying that his snoring won’t be as loud if he slept near the window”
Satisfied with this, you move on to the next.
“Now what can I learn from last night? That mosquitoes are invincible?”, you laugh at your own decent joke.
“The nature of a mosquito is to bite. I cannot expect it to act differently with me.”
- “I can and I will respond differently by at the most protecting myself better.”
“When I’m letting it go ahead with its pesky bites while I continue to half-heartedly swat it, I wake up the next day to itches & I end up being affected by trying to control its behavior towards me even though I never changed my behavior towards it.”
- “I can start putting my peace of mind at number 1 by taking necessary precautions and stop stressing over this tiny bug”
You look pleasantly surprised at yourself..”Not a bad set of realisations …. Wow maybe we can also become philosophers”
“Oh the last step - alright. I am sorry to myself for making me lose my sleep and my peace of mind last night due to my inability to control the bug. I’ll be a better person to me today by accepting I can’t control the bug”
And you realise it's almost late for work, throw down the phone and rush to brush your teeth.
__________________________________
Thank you reader for bearing with me up to this point and I stop my intentional digress here.
If anything, I’m sure the name “Rangooski” would have remained stuck in your mind and I’m glad it has.
Consider Rangooski to be 2020.
Now replay the entire situation (I can hear a few groan “not again!!”- but I promise it’ll be worth it )
Could you control the loss of your job, even if you had been an exceptional worker? No.
Could you control the order of quarantine, even if you had pre-booked tickets and now have to cancel them and hopefully get a refund? No
Could you control the self isolation?
No, not when it was in the interest of the safety of your loved ones.
Could you control the loss of your pet, which could not cope with being cooped up inside the home for months? No
Could you control your friends leaving you when they realised they no longer wished to be friends with you? No
However, could you control how you responded to each situation? YES.
Could you respond in such a way that empowered you? Definitely YES.
Could you, have done everything in your power, to make the best of this year? Y.E.S.
The one thing I wish to leave my readers with, on the penultimate day of this rollercoaster year, is the thought and the fact that no external circumstances can determine how you feel, unless you give up your power to it and hence put yourself down by saying you have no power.
We don’t want that now, do we? :)
Wishing you a year of inner power and a life of abundance,
Could you control the loss of your pet, which could not cope with being cooped up inside the home for months? No
Could you control your friends leaving you when they realised they no longer wished to be friends with you? No
However, could you control how you responded to each situation? YES.
Could you respond in such a way that empowered you? Definitely YES.
Could you, have done everything in your power, to make the best of this year? Y.E.S.
The one thing I wish to leave my readers with, on the penultimate day of this rollercoaster year, is the thought and the fact that no external circumstances can determine how you feel, unless you give up your power to it and hence put yourself down by saying you have no power.
We don’t want that now, do we? :)
Wishing you a year of inner power and a life of abundance,
To the soul that guided you to read this rambling,
Parinaama.