Being a self proclaimed spiritual enthusiast, it didn’t take me much time to delve into the world of meditation. And by delve, I mean going through various articles, how to’s and videos where people described what meditation meant to them, the various methods of meditation, the miracles they had experienced after a mere day of meditation, its overall health benefits and of course the overall increase in focus and mental clarity, etc.
Notice I didn’t tell you anything about me practicing a full on actual meditation?
Well that’s because I didn’t, at that time at least.
To me, meditation was the most uncomfortable thing anyone could ask me to do (literally)
It meant I had to silence the distractions I loved, ignore the distractions I hated and basically focus on something as boring as my breath or worse, a mantra in sanskrit, whose meaning I had no idea about and felt no form of devotion to.
I couldn’t day dream of what an amazing meditation expert I would soon become (or even fight and suppress my sniggering inner critic which would taunt at my pitiful efforts), since that would defeat the purpose of meditation entirely, which is to focus on your breath and let thoughts simply flow by, even the less than pleasant ones.
And to top it all off, it meant I had to face the crippling and embarrassing fact that I had a very negligible, microsecond range of an attention span, every single time I closed my eyes in an attempt to meditate. Oh the Horror!
The ego in me would think, ‘At least I am trying to meditate! Look at the others who don’t even know about it! Am I not better than them?’
The critic in me would retaliate, ‘Yeah right. Look who’s talking, the goldfish which can’t even focus on its own breath. Look at the story of the kid who could meditate for hours easily. You are an adult. Feel ashamed of yourself’
And then there would be my awareness of these two voices in me, pointlessly bickering like an old married couple.
Surprised are you? That I am aware of these two voices?
It was a surprise for me too.
You see, I used to associate myself with those two voices, considering them to be me. And sometimes enter paranoia that I may have split personality disorder (Thank you Anniyan). Paranoia because it was utter chaos to even try identifying with them since they would forever give conflicting, hypocritical opinions which led me to have a highly fickle personality and made me hate myself since I had learnt to believe that one’s character must have integrity and I didn’t notice that integrity in me.
There was nothing wrong with this belief though…
I had just been associating it with incorrect things.
There came a time in my life where I, blindly believing those voices to be me, executed sequential impulsive actions which were no way in sync with my words and promises… and you can easily guess what horrible consequences it led to.
That was actually the reason for me to even attempt mindfulness, because I had grown sick and tired of the apparent lack of integrity in me and also of people pointing it out every time I did something totally against my words and self proclaimed principles, of which I was painfully self aware. I wanted to change that, since I deeply believed integrity of character to be everything and I honestly wanted to give myself a “character transformation” and change those voices in my head or at least learn to dissociate from them.
I had a nagging feeling that the voices in my head were not me (then who was I??)... I desperately wanted to believe that I was better than those hypocrites and the internet pointed me to try out meditation and mindfulness, as they would apparently help you realise yourself.
I had nothing to lose. Worst case scenario - I would end up sleeping or end up hating myself even more for not being able to achieve self realisation but anything was better to me than being who I was. The pain of change was much less than the pain of being the same, especially since I had become aware of what a horrible, toxic, unsatisfactory life it would lead to.
Jump cut to me trying out meditation. Sitting with my feet crossed, my fingers in a random mudra, my breath erratic and my ears plugged into a 5 minute guided meditation (thank God for YouTube), with me actually slowing down the speed to 0.5x, since before I could even “take three deep mindful breaths”, the instructor would have moved on to creating visual imagery meant for inner peace.
And lemme tell you, it was extremely uncomfortable to begin with. Forget three deep breaths, I couldn’t even take one to calm myself down! So anxious was I of so many random things like my homework, my test preparation, my failures and of course Mr and Mrs Bickering, the two major voices in my head.
It was unfathomable for me, at that time, to even consider relaxing. Hypervigilance was my motto and overthinking about things beyond my control - my compulsive hobby.
Seeing that there was no other way except to silence those voices if I was to go on with the guided meditation, I would mentally (sometimes in a hushed, nettled voice) alternate between demanding, screaming, scolding and begging those voices to shut down. And nope they didn’t. It only made me dislike myself even more and I was left blinking and exasperated, thinking what more I could possibly do to discipline my thoughts.
That’s when I realised where I had gone wrong in the process.
I was, to an extent, feeling ashamed of that mental clatter and refusing to accept those noises in my brain as my own! I felt meditation would be a way for me to “drive out” those noises, so to speak. But no, meditation was not even remotely associated with such a harsh action.
Meditation is a gentle process. It is meant to gently and slowly help the meditator manage those voices and not get rid of them (which is quite impossible and unnecessary).
The entire focal point of meditation revolves around finding peace and being peace, amidst chaos. It does not eliminate the chaos entirely but is meant to help us stay steady to our course and path no matter what is thrown at us.
This realisation (helped by ample reading of “Think Like A Monk” - a must read book) made me then consider another thought. Just like how the river is the mere carrier of many organisms but does not become those organisms itself, what if I wasn’t the thoughts or voices in my head, but just the awareness of them?
That would mean that I was not those voices in my head (even the voice of egotistical idealism, which I loved to think as my voice). I would not be the “bad”, or the “good” or even the neutral. Following that point, I then would not be my body, not my appearance, not my personality, not even my character. Expanding further, I would have no actual right over any property or person, no belongings to call specifically my own; I was just the awareness of all these things. Every moment, every action, every interaction, would be a gift, nothing of which can be taken for granted.
I would be nothing and have no true possession except for my soul....a soul awaiting to attain Source.
That death was no end and this birth no beginning
This name and this body, merely an inning
I would be the river, many millenia crossing
Forests of materialism, for the ocean of salvation yearning
Travelling through bodies with the hope of transcending
The treacherous tiring cycle of mundane earthly living
With His abundant Grace I seek to realise the all-pervading
Substratum of everything I behold; the eternally existing
In the stream of Consciousness that is incessantly flowing
I will abide forever, dissolving into the Supreme Being
(- a spiritual brother, Smaran Haridashwa)
